Monday, August 30, 2010

In which I prove conclusively that I am not related to Martha Stewart.

Taking a break from my mutterings on aging to report on some other recent events....
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I love my church. And I love the ladies in my church, even though they make me feel like a big, fat goober redneck.

Case in point: Every few months, our church holds a lovely brunch for women. Guest speakers bring words of encouragement, nummy food is served, and not one young mother has to get up because her four-year-old sneezed milk out of his nose. One of the features of the brunches is that various women volunteer (and I used the term "volunteer" loosely, as you will soon see) to decorate a table for 6-8 in the assigned theme for that particular brunch. Women bring china and stemware and fresh flowers. The ambiance is feminine and festive and restful. Well, it has been. Until the wrong "volunteer" was selected to decorate a table....

My friend, whom I will call "Carol," because that's her name, approached me a few weeks ago about decorating a table. The conversation after church went exactly like this.

Carol: How would you like to decorate a table for our next brunch? The table themes are either "Summer" or a state of your choice.
TC: No.
Carol: It's easy, you can use paper plates! Just put some pool toys on the table for your centerpiece!
TC: No. I am SO not gifted in that area.
Carol, busy writing "TC" on the list of table decorator volunteers: Okay, I've got you down!

So that was that. But what Darth Carol did not realize is that I do not own a matching set of 6-8 anythings. Well, there might be eight matching socks in our house within a couple of hours after my bi-weekly socks-and-underwear shopping trip to StuffMart. But on any given day, the only things I have eight of are Q-tips and infant rectal thermometers. (Don't ask; I have no idea.) But since the table theme wasn't "Personal Health & Hygiene" or "Orifice Care," I didn't see how that was going to help me.

In the end, I cobbed together some stuff that we had around the house and managed to dress a table for 6 people. Here are pictures of the tables in all their glory. See if you can guess which one was mine.

A pretty "Fresh and Fruity" table.
"Sunflowers and Sunshine"
"A Day at the Beach"
"Picnic in the Park"
"Southfork Ranch"
"Oklahoma Apple Blossoms"
"Does Anyone Else Smell Cow Poop?"

Anyway. At least I learned something from this experience, and it is this. If you can't hide from Carol, the next best thing to do when approached is to play dead.

14 comments:

Meagan Dennison said...

Love it! I thought your table was amazing. You don't give yourself enough credit!!!

Sue said...

Dearest TC, you never disappoint! The tears are rolling as usual. However, I don't think your lovely table deserves that title at all. Job well done!

bensrib said...

I LOVE your table theme! I once helped a friend host a wedding rehearsal dinner for 100+ people. We did it all in denim cloth on the tables, bandanas everywhere, hay bales, and served barbecue. Everyone loved it!

Rick and Carol Hudson said...

Ok, this is Darth Carol. I have to confess that Diane's account of her said "volunteering" was pretty accurate. The only thing she didn't get right was that her table was terrific. She didn't mention the hand made Texas pecan votive holders that her hubby whipped up a couple days beforehand for each lady. Her daughter has warned me to never let her "volunteer" for this again. I'm not promising. . . . . . I have to say I chuckled all through this. We love you Diane.

Yvonne said...

Love it! That was hilarious! I am sorry that I missed out on the brunch this time.

Keeley said...

Actually, your table was great!

Secondly, you could SO have made it REALLY awful and as a result would never have been asked again. But you didn't. I think that deserves a shiny halo.

LOVE Carol's comment. =D

lillinda said...

Okay, lesson learned. I should not, I repeat, should not try and count crochet stitches while reading your blog. Now I have to rip this whole thing out and start all over and it's all your fault !!!

Sue said...

I'm so glad you're back. I missed your hilarious humour. More please and BTW I love your table setting

Susan Hutchins said...

Hey, I thought your table was supposed to be awful.... it was great! That volunteer job would have been my worst nightmare also. I keep a bevy of family and friends available to help me think of things when I'm stuck with stuff like that. My house is decorated by Jeff and my son-in-law who is an architect.

Mostly Sunny said...

I thought yours was the apple blossom one, until I saw the "poop" table... you're a goon. :)

THE OLD GEEZER said...

I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

God Bless You ~Ron

Sisterlisa said...

Gorgeous centerpieces TC!

Junosmom said...

Personally, I would be more comfortable at your table. But I'm not necessarily complimenting you.

Roberta said...

Came her by way of Kim at Life In a Shoe. :)
Wow, that's quite the women's ministry shindig! The first thing my eye was drawn to was the beautiful votive holders. And now I see your husband made them. My Dad and a friend of his make beautiful wood bowls (crossing my fingers for Christmas) and they helped my oldest son turn one this summer...he puts "stuff" in it.
All that to say It's lovely!