Monday, July 27, 2009

Bad cow.

Do not be deceived by the big brown eyes and the long eyelashes.

Note the shifty expression while she appears to be innocently eating grass.

This is not a good cow. This is a bad cow. This is a very bad cow. This is a cow that has earned the new name of She-Devil.

You might remember that she has a history of bovine delinquency (Houdini Cow). We really thought love and a few more strands of barbed wire would cure her of her behavioral issues, but we were wrong.

Recently, she discovered the finch feeder I had hung next to our front door. Apparently being a cow with liberal tendencies, She-Devil decided that the finch food was a federal handout to which she was entitled, and proceeded to use her forehead to throw the feeder off the hook and then gobble down every speck of seed.

But far worse was yet to come. I should have seen the bird feeder incident as a cry for help. I should have known that corn, grown in a vegetable garden for the farmer's personal consumption, is the cow version of crack cocaine. I should have seen the signs, when she started hanging around outside the fenced garden and nibbling the grass down to bare dirt, that she was setting the stage for her biggest crime to date. Scoping out the perimeter, as it were.

Alas, Sasquatch happened upon her just after she had trampled down the garden gate and eaten most of the nearly-ready-to-be-harvested corn. He chased her out, but it was too late. She was high on her cow crack. While he and Hubster were making repairs to the breached gate, she simply vaulted over them, the fence, and the tractor to polish off the rest of the corn, all the cucumbers, most of the squash, and two jalapeno pepper plants.

And here's the thing: how does one discipline an unruly, 1200 pound cow?
- You can't hit her on the rump with a rolled up newspaper. She'll kick you into the next county.
- You can't rub her nose in her misbehavior. She'll head butt you on to the roof.
- You can't shoot her. She's the source of future Junior Bacon Cheesburgers.
- You can't take her to training classes at PetSmart. She'd scare the hair off the chihuahuas.

I blame the whole thing on her first owners. They raised her from heifer-hood to be a 4H show calf. She got a diva complex early on. Once her show days were over, they put her in the pasture with the other cows, but she had (and here I am quoting her previous owner) "socialization issues." Quite simply, she didn't think she was a cow. She refused to hang with the other cows and do cow-y things like stand under a tree for 4 hours with shreds of hay hanging out of the side of her mouth. No, she was always wandering back to the house, and I think it's because she was hoping for the opportunity to make a crazed dash for the kitchen and whatever she could grab out of the refrigerator crisper drawer.

So here's my question: Does anyone know if there's a bovine version of methadone?


Cindy in GA said...

Well, she IS pretty! And now you can say that you have "grain fed" beef I guess. (Corn counts, right? Not so sure about the finch food though; thistle seed is not very grain-y.) I want you to stand out there w/ a video camera next time she's ready to jump the fence; this I need to see!

Sue said...

You're absolutely right she is a V. bad cow indeed. We had a pony just like that once...only we couldn't eat her offspring. We ended up selling her and now we are hiding.

Sunydazy said...

I am pretty sure she is smiling to herself in this can see her looking over at the camera. She's thinking "I must be VERY special...they're even photographing me". I'm going to stick with my very bad kitty for now. At least I can pick her up and put her out the door when I've had enough. :-)

David said...

At my place she would quickly find herself in my freezer in a variety of smallish packages.

I''ve never heard of any socialization issues in the freezer.

TC said...

David, that was my first thought. Unfortunately, the She-Devil is only 3 years old and is in the vaunted position of queen mum of our (future) herd. We kind of need her for the production of future smallish packages.

JustJan said...


I am a city girl so I don't no much about animal husbandry.....but...

Why on earth would you want her to be the matriarch of a future herd? Do they sell bovine tiara's?

I think David's got this one right. There are no socialization issues in the community of the chest freezer.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

oh my gosh, this is hilarious! I just stumbled in here from De's blog. I am sad to see you are an infrequent poster having been at this for several years. Dangit, I got here late.
If you need any tiaras, I have dozens. When I had 2 girls, it looked like Anna Nicole Smith threw up in here and my whole house turned pinknpurple.
Attach a talking GPS to your cow!

Kim said...

Those big brown eyes will do it every time. Cow crack --- cracks me up!

christy said...

Sorry, no. And this may not help, pastor, a rancher told a story recently about such a cow. She ended up breaking her neck when they went to sell her. He said she had a Jezebel spirit, heh!
OK that was no help at all. Just take it as second-hand sympathy.

Melodie said...

Oh my, we have a cow just like her.She was raised as a 4-H project.She didn't like other cows,thought she was people! She finally adjusted and is a good girl now though.

Junosmom said...

There is nothing like raw electricity to get a cow's attention.

Margot said...

Wait until the bird seed sprouts in the cow patties! Now THAT'S recycling!!

SkitzoLeezra said...

Chick, you are FUNNY and your commenters are amusing as well.
Glad to find ya, via Louisiana Momma!