Sunday, March 15, 2009

Olympic Dangling

From TC's File of Possibly True Facts:
"Shoulder injury" is the #2 item on the list of Things That Take A Long Time To Recover From.
(The #1 item is "Death.")

The upside of this whole broken shoulder adventure is that I found out I'm extremely talented at Dangling. This was news to me. I mean, it's not like Dangling was offered as an elective at my college. Although if it had been, I'd have been on the Dean's List for sure. Well, that, and if they'd just forgiven me for that minor little incident with the guy's underwear in the cafeteria ...

Anyway. My orthopedic surgeon told me to exercise my shoulder by dangling. To help you understand the dangling manuever, I will demonstrate in the following series of photos. (Warning: do not try the following at home without the approval of your physician. Or without a couple of cups of coffee. Whichever is easier to acquire.)

1.  The Warm-Up. 

2. The Dangle.

3. The Cool-down.

Hint: During the dangle exercise, ignore comments by heathen family members,  such as, "Are you getting winded?" and "Do you need a Gatorade, Mom?" 

After a couple of days of dangling, it became apparent that I had a real gift. I mean, I have a number of body parts that dangle without my even trying! So now I'm petitioning the International Olympic Committee to make dangling a competitive sport.

It can't be in the Summer Games, though. Think about it. Dangling is a sport for middle-aged women. If we were to show up in an outdoor arena, dressed in spandex shorts and tank tops, with the sun reflecting off our cellulite, the repercussions would be severe and wide-ranging. 

Bob Costas would have cardiac arrest.
Broadcasters would be forced to show actual footage of actual dangling competition, rather than Bob's interview with the founder of the Dangling Hall of Fame.
Sports fans would suffer hysterical blindness that would last all summer.
Ticket sales to baseball games would drop.
Major League Baseball would need a 9.7 trillion dollar bailout.
The New York Yankees would need an additional 5 billion dollar bailout to pay Alex Rodriguez's hip surgeon.
The steroid industry would be forced to market itself to pro bowlers.
Some unknown bowler named Frank Murphy would win the Tour de France, becoming the first winner to need an XXXL yellow jersey.
China would produce and sell limited-edition Hello Kitty yellow jerseys. 
Nancy Pelosi, unable to locate a limited-edition Hello Kitty yellow jersey for her granddaughter, would propose a 78% tax on all upper-income danglers, bringing the sport to an end.

So I'm thinking Winter Games, where danglers can compete in sweatpants. Besides - I want Apolo Anton Ohno to autograph my "U.S.A. Dangling Team" t-shirt.

Next: My Physical Therapist is the Anti-Christ.


Sue said...

Send me a t-shirt. My name is Sue, and I am also a Dangler. It's for arthritis in my case, and I'm not even technically middle aged yet, I don't think. Glad to see you back!

Junosmom said...

I guess I missed that you'd broken your shoulder. Was it the bungee jumping that did it? I've missed your posts!

Keeley said...

Hahahahahaaaa!!! =D =D

Oh you poor thing. Thank you for your self-depreciating humour. =D It certainly cheered my day up. =D

The pale observer said...

Welcome back! Have missed your witty posts! Glad you are a bit better.

Kelly said...

Welcome back! You have been greatly missed!!!!!

Amanda said...

I'm so glad you're back!!!!!


Mostly Sunny said...

Good bye Brett Favre. Now YOU'RE my new sports hero!

2Thinks said...

A couple of days ago, I got a tetanus shot. It didn't hurt at first, but later wowsa! I remembered your post on dangling, so I tried it. It worked very well for an achey muscle suffering from tetanus. Thank you.