Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Bounce Has Gone Out of My Bungee

 So I was at lunch today with Danger Boy, and I noticed that he was looking down, texting under the table while we were conversing. I gave him the condensed version of the That's So Rude lecture with some of the Cell Phones Are Of The Devil dissertation thrown in for good measure. He smiled and replied, "If I hadn't been using my right hand to eat, I could have texted without even looking at my phone." I sensed the spirit of Perry Mason come over me, and I could feel myself visibly puffing up with the pride and satisfaction of having a fine closing argument, which was this: "If you can text without looking at your phone, that just goes to show that you spend too much time texting." Danger Boy just says, "You type on your computer keyboard without looking, so I guess that means you spend too much time online."

Dang kids and their logic.

And in retrospect, I think that feeling of being puffed up was actually due to the spicy chicken wings I'd just eaten.

Anyway. I'm not blogging much because I have to type one-handed, pending possible rotator cuff surgery. So I'm just going to copy an extremely funny email I received from my mother-in-law. Enjoy.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like 
most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
 June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" 

And last, but not least ..
October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


40winkzzz said...

I'm not even going to comment on that WalMart thing, other than to say that, yes, it was indeed hilarious.

I *am* going to comment on the texting-while-out-with-Mom thing, b/c I had a similar situation w/my 21-y/o just before Christmas. Since I have resolved to Not Lecture the Boy on the Rare Occasions That I Am With Him, I had to put on my infrequently-practiced "casual" voice (which I apparently did remarkably well) as I observed, "Hmm. You go to coffee with your mom every once in a blue moon, and you're texting your friends." To my utter amazement, he did not make any faces or noises, and to my even utterer amazement, he actually PUT AWAY THE PHONE. You could have picked me up off the floor. Maybe his phone battery just happened to die right at that moment.

Nadine said...

I am glad we're not at that cell phone age yet (my oldest is almost 3 :)

Keeley said...

1. Hahaha! Great email! =)

2. Ooooh. Rotator cuff surgery. Oooh. Good luck with that. My sympathies.

3. We banned texting. To the point that we called the phone company and said "We want no texting on these phones. None. They may neither receive nor send texts." And the phone company said "ok." And that was that. And my daughter mourned. And my husband and I said "Muhahahahahahahaaaa!" and felt great joy. =)

Cindy in GA said...

O.K., I'll grant you the blogging break. But I'm going to have to recommend that you give up ice hockey in return. Deal?

Keeley said...

Furthermore, How many times have you watched Wallace and Grommit, hm? =)

Keesler Chaos said...

Your coolness factor just jumped! A Wallace and Gromit quote!!!

Kim said...

I had to read the letter one to my hubby! We both got a kick out of it.

Bummer about the shoulder. Can you parlay that into long term sympathy and being-waited-upon-hand-and-foot?

I thoroughly enjoy your blog and had to choose you to receive the Kreativ Blogger Award in my post today. 'Cause you totally deserve it!

The pale observer said...

Where'd you go?????

lillinda said...

I am missing you,just so you know. I really could use some humor in my life right now and I am having to resort to watching reruns of America's Favorite Home Videos.
Not that that is a bad thing but just how many bats to the groin can you laugh at before it's not funny anymore.
Hope you are healing well,

Netherfieldmom said...

Are you okay? Miss you...

Cindy in GA said...

Get your groove back on, woman! :o) Hoping you're doing O.K. Let us know how the shoulder's doing these days.