Wednesday, December 31, 2008

You've got questions. I've got answers.


1. Fractured the head of my humerus.
2. Playing ice hockey.
3. HOCKEY. ON ICE. 
4. It was a parent/son scrimmage with Sasquatch's team.
5. Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Don't start on the age thing!
6. I was making a spectacular diving defensive move.
7. No, I don't know if the guy scored.
8. Well, I was kind of busy flopping around on the ice like a seal with one flipper and a seizure disorder.
9. Not immediately, but I was pretty sure there was a problem when, after the game, my brain started playing involuntary word association when I tried to pick things up with that arm.
sock : vicodin!
car key : demerol!
curly fry : morphine!
purse : general anesthesia!
10. Two weeks.
11. In a New York minute. I had a blast.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A White Christmas - literally.

Someone (who shall remain nameless) gifted me with this lovely nativity set after the holidays last year. 

Now, my first thought upon seeing these figurines was, How is it that Mary always looks so placid and refreshed? I mean, the woman just gave birth - in a barn. To GOD. I've seen women who've just delivered a regular, everyday human baby in a warm, comfortable hospital, and they don't look that serene. Unless the Demerol hasn't worn off yet.

Anyway. My second thought was, Wasn't Jesus Jewish? Maybe his family was from northern Israel. Far northern Israel. Back when it bordered Scandinavia. 

Then I got to thinking about how Christmas would be different had Jesus been born in Norway.
  • Mary would have been riding a reindeer instead of a donkey.
  • The shepherds would have found the Babe lying in a manger, wrapped in swaddling furs.
  • The wise men would have brought gold, frankincense, and firewood.
  • Silent Night would have a line, "Silent night, holy night, all is cold, all is white."
  • Nativity sets would come packaged with little fake snow drifts to place against the stable, and Joseph would be wearing snow shoes.
  • Jesus would have been named something like "Bjørn."
  • We'd be singing "O, Little Town of Brønnøysund."
Then my mental list was interrupted by the intrusion of my third thought. (I know. You're thinking, thank God for that. Me too.) I realized that this holy family looked vaguely familiar. Then it hit me. 



The seems that the holy family is related to Conan O'Brien, Late Night talk show host! Who knew?!

I can only conclude that 1) Jesus was an Irish Jew, and 2) once word gets out, that's really gonna put a wrinkle in the Catholic/Protestant conflict in Ireland.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

For the mother-in-law who has everything.

(I don't make this stuff up. This was an actual advertisement from our local Dirtville newspaper.)

Monday, December 1, 2008

And it comes with its own tote bag.

Okay, I know I said I wanted one of those Smart Cars, mostly because they're just so dang cute. 

Well, I've had a change of heart. I want one of these. It makes a Smart Car look like a Hummer. 

Disadvantages: 
1. Not big enough to bring home a week's worth of groceries for Sasquatch. 
2. Any, uh, "emissions" by a male driver could cause the sides to bulge out, making the car appear to be a fluorescent volleyball.

Advantages:
1. Runs on air. Or salad oil. (I swear I am not making this up.) Hot tip: Buy stock in Wesson.
2. Averages 106 mpg. Hot tip: Dump stock in Exxon.

But the #1 thing I like about this car is that I believe it's the perfect vehicle for anyone under 25. Why? Because, 1) as far as I can tell, it accommodates only one person, so there's no room for any va-va-voom, if you get my drift, and b) its top speed is 35 mph, which would eliminate any opportunity for Danger Boy to intentionally go airborne over a hill. Although now that I think about it, he would probably make some "emissions" at the moment of cresting the hill, just to see if the car would bounce when it landed.