Saturday, November 15, 2008

The award that's custom made for me.

I don't know if I'll win Best Humor Blogger over at the Homeschool Blog Awards. I'm up against some pretty stiff competition, and I have a small campaign budget. Like, in the neighborhood of $0.00. Unless you count the fact that I bought myself a box of Junior Mints to boost the morale of my campaign; that would put me $0.65 in the red. I feel a need for a bailout coming on.

Anyway. I've thought of an award that much better suits my blogging style. Next year, I'm going to win the Most Redneck Homeschool Blogger award. 

Here's why. 

We recently decided to remodel the guest bathroom here at Agony Acres. I wanted to go for a spa look, so we tore out the pink floral gag-a-rama wallpaper that had been taped to the uninsulated sheet rock since 1975. We painted the room a lovely taupe shade, and then put in a new counter top.
But wait, there's more.

We decided that since we'd gone that far, we should really blow our whole wad. So we sprang for some new 2x4s.

Now, I've heard that in spas there is often a fountain and some chimes, so that you are lulled into relaxation by the sound of trickling water and soft tinkling tones. (Not to be confused with the tinkling tones and trickling water in the actual bathroom... never mind.) Anyway. There's no room in this bathroom for a fountain, and what with the purchase of the new lumber, I couldn't afford chimes. But I've come up with a substitute.

For the sound of water, I go into the next room and throw a load of Hubster's tightie-whities into the washing machine. For the sound of chimes, I put a couple of pairs of my sons' jeans into the dryer, where the inventory of a hardware store falls out of their pockets and clangs around in the dryer drum. (I have a theory: I think my boys have been giving their underwear to gypsies in exchange for bits of shiny metal.)

But wait, there's more.

Hubster decided to replace the commode. He says whoever invented the low-flow toilet obviously never ate at our local Mexican eatery, Taco Tico Mayo Me-o Ee-I-Ee-O, on All You Can Eat Bean Burrito Night. He also mentioned that Mr. Low-Flow Toilet Inventor should be kicked in a certain region of his anatomy, but since this is a family friendly blog, I'll move on.

Now, if you have an old toilet perched on your back porch, you might be a redneck.

And if you have a cow who comes to the back porch to look in your windows, you might be a redneck.

But when you have a cow who comes to drink rainwater out of the toilet on your back porch, you are definitely a redneck.
I just hope the award is more 2x4s, because we need a place to hang the towels.


earthling said...

haha! I love it!

I guess we're pretty redneck, too, we had a toilet in our front yard for quite some time.

and we decided it looked odd out there all alone, so we put our scarecrow on it.

Mother Hen said...

Oh, you crack me up every time. I voted for you days and days ago.

Katy said...

I wasn't sure if I could vote you Most Redneck Blogger...until I spotted the dog's hiney in your new sink picture. Love it! I'll vote you most humorous this year and hopefully you go for redneck broke next year!

Mary B said...

Found you through the contest and love your style!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know that you make me laugh everytime I go to your page. I voted for you..

Drewe Llyn said...

I literally laughed out loud! (I voted for you too.)

Amanda said...

You don't really need a towel rack. Just hang the towels around the dog or the cow, kind of like they used to hang the barrels around a St. Bernard. :D

Shelley said...

You know you're a redneck....

...if you read TC's blog..and you get it.

Mostly Sunny said...

My sister is a redneck! My sister is a redneck! Can I send Brittany to live with you? She lives in a toilet (her bedroom) so she'd be fine with a cow that drinks from one! Oh my word, that picture just cracks me up! and I like the "natural timber" look of your spa. Makes one feel as if one is in the great outdoors, although, with the cow around, I don't think I'd want to use the toilet. I might get pushed off. And just like Katy, I noticed the dog tushy too. :)

trinabambina said...

Laughing so hard I am crying!! Thanks!