Unfortunately, the first catalog I received, from Barbie Collector, was selling some pretty disturbing gifts. (I should note here that I do not actually collect Barbies. I just think it's ethically wrong for toys to have better shoes than I do.)
Anyway. These aren't your run-of-the-mill Floozy Cheerleader Barbie or Chain-Smoking Hair Stylist Town Gossip Barbie dolls like you can get at StuffMart. These Barbies are obviously the creation of a psychopath. Either that, or someone's putting hallucinogenics in the water coolers down at the Mattel headquarters. I give you Exhibit A.
This would be Medusa Barbie. Because what's a childhood without a doll whose hair turns into a mass of writhing snakes?
But Exhibit B is even worse.
This, my friends, is The Birds Barbie. Here, Barbie is about to have her eyes pecked out and her flesh shredded by a flock of vicious birds, in a recreation of the scene from Alfred Hitchcock's classic horror film.
And a holly jolly Christmas to you, too, Mattel. Sheesh.
Okay, I know that these dolls aren't really intended for kids. But think about it. The average Barbie collector is probably about my age, which is none of your business but let's just say I've been 39 for many years. So, the average Barbie collector probably also has granddaughters. Can you imagine the conversation an 8-year-old girl might have with her friends after spending a night at Grandma's house?
Girl 1: My grandma has one of the very first Barbie dolls. She's on a shelf in grandma's guest bedroom.
Girl 2: My granny has Malibu Barbie on her shelf. I like her tan skin.
Girl 3: My grammie has Psycho Shower Scene Barbie. She comes with a little plastic knife and a shower spattered with real blood!
Girl 3: I have bad dreams at my grammie's house.
Girl 1: I have to go home now.
On the upside, a resourceful mom could really take advantage of this trend.
Daughter, wailing: Mommy, Mommy! Rover chewed the leg off my Barbie! Wahhhh!
Mom: Oh, honey, look! Now you have Jaws Barbie!
Daughter, wailing: Mommy, Mommy! My Barbie's head came off!! Wahhh!
Mom, in a soothing voice: Oh, honey, look! Now you have Marie Antoinette Barbie!
Daughter, wailing: Mommy, Mommy! Susie came over and said President Obama said we HAVE to share, and she took all of my Barbie's clothes home with her! Wahhhhh!
Mom: Oh, honey, look! Now you have Socialist Barbie!
Be a responsible American citizen. VOTE ON NOVEMBER 4.