Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Toothpaste: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So last night I had to make one of my late-night forays into StuffMart. I think Rod Serling might have gotten his inspiration for The Twilight Zone from StuffMart at midnight. And because plain old run-of-the-mill weirdness isn't enough for me, I took along Danger Boy. 

Now, I have to tell you that there is something in the air at StuffMart that just escalates Danger Boy's ADD to mach five. I imagine that his brain is doing something like a pinball machine in which all six balls have been released at once. "PING! LEFT FLIPPER! TILT! PING! PING! BONUS POINTS! RIGHT FLIPPER! PING! WHOOP WHOOP! TILT!" (Or, for those of you younger readers who have never seen a pinball machine, think Sonic the Hedgehog hopped up on crack.) Surely I am not the only mother who wishes those belted seats in shopping carts could accommodate a 6'2" seventeen-year-old boy.

Anyway. Besides the usual bi-weekly pickup of milk, boys' socks, and underwear, I needed to get some toothpaste for myself. 

Well. I was horribly unprepared for toothpaste shopping.

When I was a kid, you had your choice of four different toothpastes: Colgate, Crest, Pepsodent, and, later, UltraBrite. They all came in one color: white. They all came in one flavor: toothpaste. There were no such things as sealants or flouride treatments, so everyone had cavities, no one had braces, and we had to use toothbrushes that weren't battery operated or had MP3 players in the handle. Life was good. Especially for dentists.

As I rounded the corner into the toothpaste aisle last night, I felt like I had entered the Chuckie Cheesedom of Dental Products. There had to have been 135 varieties of Crest toothpaste, all in sparkly, brightly colored boxes, right next to the fluorescent singing toothbrushes ("Now with a palate sander!") and the raspberry-flavored mouthwash (in your choice of alcoholic or non). I'm pretty sure I saw
  • Crest Fresh Mint
  • Crest Cool Mint
  • Crest Mint Julep
  • Crest Lemon
  • Crest Strawberry Daiquiri
  • Crest Hickory Smoked Goat Cheese
WHO is working in Research and Development for Crest - Rachael Ray?! Good grief, I was working up an appetite while just trying to purchase a little 88 cent tube of toothpaste-flavored Pepsodent. Meanwhile, Danger Boy, whose boredom meter had exceeded the "safe" zone and was now in the "impending danger to others" zone, was throwing pennies at a bird in the rafters while simultaneously trying to determine if he could put hydraulics on our shopping cart.

Finally, I found my toothpaste, on a bottom shelf under the enormous display of dental floss - waxed, unwaxed, mint, unmint, organic, hypoallergenic, and vegetarian. (They were out of the floss with extra calcium for seniors.) I grabbed the toothpaste box, used my purse strap to lasso Danger Boy as he was starting to wander off toward charcoal lighter ("But, mom, flames coming out of the back of the cart would be so cool!"), and headed for the checkout lane. 

Today I'm very worried. I just noticed we're running low on liquid hand soap. 


Katy said...

I so rarely get to shop alone--without my 4 maniacs in tow--that when I do, my mind whirls from all of the deviations of "regular" products there are these days! The other day I tried to find good ol' "regular" Wheat Thins. Not a chance. I think I ended up with a box of Organic Tomato Jumbo Size Lite Extra Crispy Wheat Thins. I miss the good ol' days!

:)De said...

"Welcome to StuffMart!"


Mostly Sunny said...

Be careful. The last liquid soap I bought smells like wet dog. I wish I could find soap that smells like, well, soap.

Mostly Sunny said...

Oh, and tell that young man that if he has so much energy, I'll pay him to live with me and take care of my "leaking" puppy for me! :)

Anonymous said...

yeah know, i was just thinking that as i bought some the other day. it is a tough decision! do i want white, ultra white, tartar protection, strong enamel? i just don't know anymore! congrats on being'll have to let me read it. i have a huge favor to ask you! see you at church. btw, where did you get that pic of david working from home on fridays?