Thursday, August 28, 2008

We'll leave a light on for you.

As I was making my bi-weekly trip to StuffMart for socks and underwear, I noticed that two very large luxury hotels are going up here in Dirtville, TX (pop. 5,023, counting the people in RVs in the StuffMart parking lot). 

We already have 4 hotels, plus a couple of No Tell Motel type places - you know, the places you drive by real fast because 1) you're afraid of recognizing the pickup parked outside Room 6, and 2) the bedbugs might be able to make a leap from the motel lobby into your car. I can't figure out why we're getting two more hotels. It's not like anything ever happens here.

Well, we do have our annual Dirtville Days celebration. This is held in honor of the invention of the trailer hitch, or something like that. If you haven't heard of it, it's just because you haven't been paying attention. Or you're a Democrat and think that trailer hitches should be regulated by the government.

Anyway. Two big events happen during this celebration. One, the Trailer Hitch Princess is chosen. This is quite an honor for any young lady, and something to add to her resume when she applies to be a hair stylist down at The Pampered Heifer Beauty Barn. Two, we have the big Dirtville Days parade, headed by the local Trailer Hitch Preservation Committee. Everyone goes to the parade, because they know the football team will be there on a float, throwing candy out into the crowd. (Never mind that the team purposely tries to bean people between the eyes with watermelon Jolly Ranchers thrown at 60 miles per hour.) The Cub Scout float usually follows the football team float. Those poor unsuspecting kids. They've never caught on to why the parade watchers scream in horror and duck for cover when they start tossing candy.

Not only does nothing happen here, but there IS nothing here. If you go to the town square, the hotbed of commerce in Dirtville, you will see:
  • PeetieMae's Thrift Store ("Browse our selection of 400 used coffee mugs!")
  •  The Craft Mall ("Specializing in plastic canvas Kleenex covers for the discriminating home and business")
  • the Good Ol' Boy Barber Shop
  • The Longhorn Cafe ("Don't even bother asking about veggie burgers. This ain't goldurn Los Angelees.")
  • Cooter's Boot & Spur Emporium
  • Eight (yes, eight) attorney's offices. Hmm. Apparently, something does happen here, albeit of an illegal nature. Probably people trying to possess a trailer hitch without a license.
  • Four photography studios. I have no idea why we need four professional photographers. We only need one to do the portrait of the Trailer Hitch Princess. Last year's was especially lovely, even though she was sporting a big welt from an Atomic Fireball over her right eyebrow. Everyone told her not to turn around to look at the football players' float, but she didn't listen.
Well, as I said, I'm mystified as to the need of two new hotels here. But it's a comforting thought to know that I'll have a place to live when the sock & underwear compost heap upstairs finally comes crashing through the ceiling.


sweetie pie said...

I am so wanting to come visit dirtville on a well needed vacation from well my exciting life. Between work and home passing nasy hotels and guessing who might be doing the nasty in them and laughing about the possibilities sounds kinda entertaining to me right now.
Ive been cleaning up dog puke and pea and running to the vets. Everytime I turn around something is coming out of one of my animals.
no rest here for the bumpkin on Acorn Lane. Riding a hay ride or turning over cows would be more exciting right now.

Anonymous said...

What! Something exciting is happening in dirtville? I live west of dirtville and nothin is happenin around here - but we got 3 beauty salons - I figure that is 1 salon for every 50 people...