Saturday, August 30, 2008

If I ran the nightly news.

TV newsguy Biff: John McCain has announced his selection of Gov. Sarah Palin for V.P., and tonight we will hear an expert opinion on this choice from our correspondent in Dirtville, Mrs. TC. Mrs. TC's expertise is in the field of knowing everything and/or making stuff up. TC, welcome.

TC: Hi, Biff. Thanks for the introduction.

Biff: You say that you think Gov. Palin brings a "unique skill set" to the office of vice president. Can you elaborate?

TC: I can, and I will. You might want to get a snack before I get started.

As we all now know, Gov. Palin is a hockey mom. This experience alone, I believe, has prepared her for the challenges she will face as a vice president. For instance, she's familiar with the offsides rule, which regulates when a player may enter the opponent's zone. I believe Gov. Palin will be tough but fair on the issue of illegal immigration. I'd like her to start by painting a blue line on our borders.

Biff: What about gun ownership rights, TC?

TC: Biff, in the game of hockey, a skater is not allowed to be in the crease, the area just in front of the goalie. If a skater does attempt to encroach on the crease, the goalie usually will take matters into his own hands (or stick) to remove the skater from his "house." I believe Gov. Palin will stand behind the Second Amendment, allowing homeowners to use weapons for protection and self-defense. I don't think she will require a 3-day waiting period to buy a hockey stick.

Biff: And that begs the question, what about capital punishment?

TC: Because of her experience with the penalty box, Gov. Palin is well acquainted with the justice and penal systems. I think she will press for swift punishment for criminal activity, and I would encourage her to consider establishing a game misconduct penalty, with a 6-month suspension, for congressmen who vote to give themselves a raise.

Biff: Some people say she does not have enough experience in the foreign relations field. Your opinion?

TC: Hello? Haven't those people heard of CANADA, that little chunk of land between the lower 48 and Alaska? You can't convince me that Gov. Palin hasn't been to a hockey game or two in Canada. And I bet she's watched the movie, "Miracle," which of course indicates that she's familiar with Russia.

Biff: Terrorism, TC?

TC: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down.

Biff: No, I meant, what's Gov. Palin's plan to deal with terrorism?

TC: Oh. Well, let me put it in hockey terms. When a hockey player takes a cheap shot on an opponent, that opponent's team doesn't take it lying down. Every hockey team has a player who's known as an "enforcer," a guy who makes the attacker very, very sorry for his cheap shot.  Gov. Palin will be a strong supporter of our country's enforcer, the U.S. military, and my people are working behind the scenes right now to contact Gov. Palin about buying a certain stealth cow to aid in that effort.

Biff: The economy is a major issue in this election, TC. How might Gov. Palin deal with it?

TC: Well, Biff, every hockey parent knows that when you have a kid playing this sport, you learn to live on beans and cornbread. I just bought a pair of skates for my own son that cost more than my first car AND its first 100 fill-ups. Gov. Palin obviously has experience in working with a budget and my hope is that she will mandate that Starbucks, where most Americans feel the money crunch the hardest, will lower its prices by 50%.

Biff: Well, TC, we are out of time. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with our viewers.

TC: Always a pleasure, Biff. Keep your stick on the ice.


Tessa said...

That was good TC!

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad the news media is giving you some coverage!
But wait, that IS another sideline you could undertake. You know, with your FREE time!
Thanks for the laughs! -- ML

Anonymous said...

If you wanted, I could call John and have him meet you on the ice?

Secretary of State sound chilly enough for you?

Maybe, the Depart. of the Interior?

How about Ambassador at Large?

It is a tradition in the White House and the other house, second to one, that Chefs eat for free! Yes, it's true, they always eat first! What?, They always eat first? Yes, they have too! It's the politically correct thing to do before you feed yourself or your guests, less of course....., ah, you know? I cannot say it has ever happened in my lifetime, but, food poisoning is a national security matter at all State dinners, both foreign and domestic! :)

Mostly Sunny said...

Hmmmm... I think your interview should definitely make front page news.

Junosmom said...

When I first heard her say she was a hockey mom, I thought of you immediately.