TC: Hi, Biff. Thanks for the introduction.
Biff: You say that you think Gov. Palin brings a "unique skill set" to the office of vice president. Can you elaborate?
TC: I can, and I will. You might want to get a snack before I get started.
As we all now know, Gov. Palin is a hockey mom. This experience alone, I believe, has prepared her for the challenges she will face as a vice president. For instance, she's familiar with the offsides rule, which regulates when a player may enter the opponent's zone. I believe Gov. Palin will be tough but fair on the issue of illegal immigration. I'd like her to start by painting a blue line on our borders.
Biff: What about gun ownership rights, TC?
TC: Biff, in the game of hockey, a skater is not allowed to be in the crease, the area just in front of the goalie. If a skater does attempt to encroach on the crease, the goalie usually will take matters into his own hands (or stick) to remove the skater from his "house." I believe Gov. Palin will stand behind the Second Amendment, allowing homeowners to use weapons for protection and self-defense. I don't think she will require a 3-day waiting period to buy a hockey stick.
Biff: And that begs the question, what about capital punishment?
TC: Because of her experience with the penalty box, Gov. Palin is well acquainted with the justice and penal systems. I think she will press for swift punishment for criminal activity, and I would encourage her to consider establishing a game misconduct penalty, with a 6-month suspension, for congressmen who vote to give themselves a raise.
Biff: Some people say she does not have enough experience in the foreign relations field. Your opinion?
TC: Hello? Haven't those people heard of CANADA, that little chunk of land between the lower 48 and Alaska? You can't convince me that Gov. Palin hasn't been to a hockey game or two in Canada. And I bet she's watched the movie, "Miracle," which of course indicates that she's familiar with Russia.
Biff: Terrorism, TC?
TC: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down.
Biff: No, I meant, what's Gov. Palin's plan to deal with terrorism?
TC: Oh. Well, let me put it in hockey terms. When a hockey player takes a cheap shot on an opponent, that opponent's team doesn't take it lying down. Every hockey team has a player who's known as an "enforcer," a guy who makes the attacker very, very sorry for his cheap shot. Gov. Palin will be a strong supporter of our country's enforcer, the U.S. military, and my people are working behind the scenes right now to contact Gov. Palin about buying a certain stealth cow to aid in that effort.
Biff: The economy is a major issue in this election, TC. How might Gov. Palin deal with it?
TC: Well, Biff, every hockey parent knows that when you have a kid playing this sport, you learn to live on beans and cornbread. I just bought a pair of skates for my own son that cost more than my first car AND its first 100 fill-ups. Gov. Palin obviously has experience in working with a budget and my hope is that she will mandate that Starbucks, where most Americans feel the money crunch the hardest, will lower its prices by 50%.
Biff: Well, TC, we are out of time. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with our viewers.
TC: Always a pleasure, Biff. Keep your stick on the ice.