Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fat Eyebrows

I think I've finally figured out why I never got asked to the high school prom. I have fat eyebrows. Not the eyebrow hair - Brooke Shields has fat eyebrow hair and used it to rake in a gazillion dollars. No, I have your run-of-the-mill fat eyebrows (see "A" in the following illustration), and the only thing it's done for me is give me a perpetual glowering look, which is great when you're a parent but not so much when you're trying to lure an eighteen-year-old boy. I'm sure all the guys who were in high school with me thought I was suffering from permanent PMS.

Let me tell you, there aren't any exercises you can do to lose fat in your eyebrows. I tried doing eyebrow pushups (Angry! Surprised! Angry! Surprised! Angry! Surprised!) but that just led The Hubster to ask, "When did you get Tourette's Syndrome?"

Anyway. I had to have minor surgery on my eyelid this past week. Not the fat eyebrow part, but the VERY THIN layer of skin that covers my actual eye ball (see "B" in above illustration). And I was okay with the idea until we actually got to the part where the doctor said, "Lay back and keep your eye closed. I'm going to inject some numbing medication into your eyelid." 

Now, because the fat in my eyebrows slows down the transfer of information in my head, this is what was going on in my brain.
"Wait a minute ... Inject ... numbing medication .....very thin skin ....  GAWWWWWW!!! That HURTS!!!"
 
And then,
"What if this guy accidently pokes that needle through my eyelid into my eyeball? Then my eyeball would be NUMB! And I couldn't move it! I'd look like Marty Feldman!"

"That would put a serious crimp in my plans to become a supermodel... Well, that plus the fact that I'm not the same shape and weight of a No. 2 pencil..."

Of course, because of my brain delay, by the time I got to the Marty Feldman part of my internal narrative, the doctor had finished my procedure, seen two other patients, performed lifesaving neurosurgery on an injured dog in the parking lot, and gone to lunch.

Well, as it turns out, the 1-minute surgery went off with no complications. So now I have a swollen eyelid, which, combined with my fat eyebrows, makes everyone else think I'm giving them the Hairy Eyeball.

Which isn't all bad. I might actually be up for a modeling job in Vulture Owner's Weekly.

11 comments:

cindy said...

I am so glad I stumbled upon this blog...you made me laugh out loud today...Thanks...(hope your eyelid heals quickly)...I too, have very fat eye brows...

Keeley said...

Oh my good gravy, you poor thing! I hope your eye recovers soon.

In the meantime, please post the gory pictures. =)

Mother Hen said...

You are the all time funniest blogger there is. Hands down, stop the voting, I have declared a winner!

Mostly Sunny said...

I'll take your fat brows over my fat butt any day! :)

Boo said...

"Tourette's. Dad, Tourette's"

pinkthis said...

Hey Sunny~
Are you sure? I think having eyebrows over your butt would look mighty funny.

Gage Browning said...

I'm trimming my eyebrows now...but never before had I even thought about it...now I'm probably going to check the mirror in a ocd way...thanks alot diane...(;

Gretchen said...

Hey TC! Glad your procedure went well and that you're on the road to recovery. Hey, we were in Boston last month, too. It was a trip down memory lane for me. Anyway, your kid and my kid are still yacking on the phone like there's no tomorrow. Of course, she's had to pay me $50 for two months running 'cause she goes over her minutes! lol. I love it! The teen years!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

OMG, this killed me! You killed me! By the time I got to the dog in the parking lot, I was laughing out loud. By myself. That doesn't happen a lot, so thank you for that!

Alex said...

I actually kind of have the same problem, how much did the procedure cost you around? As well as how long did it take to heal?

Anonymous said...

im guy and was wondering if a guy had fat eye brow nt the hair would that put you off him umm yea funny blog have a nice day:)