Okay, okay - I'm sorry. I totally forgot to write about the Guinea Pig Hoedown back in early May. (I swear I don't make this stuff up.) Mea culpa.So as to make up for my error, I've decided to list a number of upcoming events here in the Federal Republic of Texas, things you can plan that summer vacation around. 'Course, with the price of fuel, you might need to sell your two oldest kids and their Wii to afford to get to some of these events, unless you have a close relative in Iraq, where gas currently costs fifty eight cents a gallon. (Again, not making this up.)
June 1 - Aug. 2, El Paso UnKnitting: Challenging Textile Traditions. "Performative knitting practice in the creation of avant-garde, contemporary sculpture."
Performance knitting?! Who knew you could make a big blobby knot of yarn and call it art? Gee, I could be a master of performance cooking: 'I call this piece, "Rubbery Eggs Held Captive by Melted Spatula."'
June 6-8, Aransas Pass 60th Annual Shrimporee "Enjoy crafts, carnival, culinary tent, shrimp peeling contest, outhouse race, and more."
Okay, I'll bet a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts that the outhouse race is the dream child of three guys named Bubba, Steve-O, and Dwayne, with the help of a couple of cases of Keystone Light.
June 13-14, Fredericksburg Antique Tractor Engine Club Show "Features engine displays, tractor pull and parade, working sawmill, wheat thrashing, and more."
Yessirree, you cain't have a better time than gettin' together with your homies to ogle rusted gears.
June 14, Cross Plains Barbarian Festival "Includes cyclists' routes, live music, antique cars and tractors show (Tractors again? We Texans really do have other hobbies. Racing outhouses, for instance.), arts & crafts, and more."
I just think it would be great to be able to tell your friends, "I met my husband at a Barbarian Festival. Which explains a lot."
June 14, Gatesville 10th Annual Fire Ant 100-K
I personally have no interest in dragging my blubber over 100 kilometers, but if you go to this, please stomp on a few million fire ants on my behalf.
June 14-15, Stanton Old Sorehead Trade Days "Shop for arts & crafts, furniture, jewelry, clothing, and antiques."
I had no idea that Charles Barkley grew up in Stanton, Texas!
June 20-21, Mount Vernon Scroggins Catalpa Worm Festival "Includes live music, arts & crafts booths, and trail ride."
Must be some mighty big worms if you can saddle 'em up.
June 21, Bellville Austin County Fair Summer Music Fest & Bull Blowout "Barbeque cook-off, classic car show, mutton busting, and arts & crafts."
My advice - take a plastic poncho. That bull blowout is bound to be messy.
June 26-29, Luling Watermelon Thump "Includes a parade, live entertainment, seed spitting, and more."
Might not want to buy a souvenir t-shirt at this event. The whole melon theme, you know.
June 28-29, Whitehouse Four Winds Rendependence Open Joust Competition "Texas' only full-contact jousting competition."
Is it just me, or is it hard to imagine a bunch of cowboys playing at being knights? "Boy howdy, I'm gonna spear me a page!"
July 1 - Sep. 1, Corpus Christi Flamingo Fandango "Features the classic pink plastic yard flamingos theme-designed and dressed by area artists."
Now really, how you can deny your children the experience of seeing hundreds of plastic flamingos dressed in evening wear, rodeo attire, and flannel pajamas? You want your kids to grow up totally uncultured, or what?
July 5, Granite Shoals Second Annual Ugly Dog Contest
It's July. In Texas. If we had any compassion on our dogs, we'd shave 'em all and enter 'em in the contest. Trust me, they'd be grateful.
July 24-26, Clute Great Texas Mosquito Festival "Three days of family fun, athletic events, vendors, and live music. See what the buzz is about."
I know, I know, you Minnesotans say that your state bird is the mosquito. Well, lemme tell ya. Texas mosquitos are directly descended from pterodactyls. (Again, not making this up. Much.)
August 2, Gainesville Breakfast With the Animals "Enjoy a guided behind-the-scenes tour of one section of the zoo, including a meet & greet with an animal and breakfast on the dining deck."
HA! I bet you thought that was going to be at MY house, didn't you?
August 3, San Angelo Biscuits & Gravy Bike Ride
Just one question: why ruin a perfectly good breakfast with exercise?
August 23, Honey Grove Bugtussle Trek "Enjoy the parade of vintage and classic vehicles (sure to be some tractors!), which are parked on the square during the lunch break on the trek between Dallas and Paris."
Okay, I admit it - I want to go to this, just so I can buy the "Honk If You Bugtussle" bumper sticker.
August 23, Wichita Falls Hotter'N Hell Hundred
This is an event to which I've actually been, so rather than quote the press release, I'll just tell you what it's about: Thousands of obviously mentally deranged cyclists on a 100-mile ride in 100-degree weather. Hot tip (heh heh) - on August 22, buy stock in Aquafina.
August 30-31, Austin Bat Fest "Features a bat wing eating contest, bat watching, bat education, bridge bungee jumping, and more."
Austin is a liberal, college town. You should have no trouble finding the necessary mind-altering drugs you'll need right before you eat a bat wing or jump off a bridge.
August 30-31, Buffalo Gap Chili Super Bowl "See and sample the world's largest bowl of chili."
And you might want to be across the state line the next day, before the mass, uh, after-effects occur.
So there you go. If you have a boring summer, don't come crying to me. I'll be too busy admiring antique tractor spark plugs with my barbarian.