Sunday, May 4, 2008

And yet we let her drive a minivan on I-75.

NO, my mother-in-law did not try to break my kneecaps. What, do you people think I married into the Mob? Sheesh. (Although I might have considered it if I'd ever had an Italian boyfriend, because I love pasta.)

My mother-in-law isn't even Italian. She's got Canadian genes, and you know Canadians never get angry enough to break someone's bones. Canadians are mellow. If they feel violent, they drink another beer and wait for the feeling to pass. If the feeling doesn't pass, they move to the U.S. and play in the National Hockey League.

No, I think I have the best mother-in-law in the world. She's funny and generous and loving. And smart. She was a registered nurse for about 150 years, and you know that your average buffoon doesn't get to be a nurse. Hubster says that his mom was the kind of nurse that if she had to give a kid a shot, and the kid was pitching a royal fit, she'd give the kid a look that said, "Keep it up and I'll go get the needle that's the size of your bicycle spokes. And I'll sterilize it over an open flame until it's red-hot." And then the kid would shut up and later need therapy for his phobia of white shoes.

In fact, it was my smart mother-in-law who educated me about service monkeys. There's this facility that raises guide dogs near her home, and in the course of talking about it, I found out that some disabled people have monkeys that help around the house. Really! I guess a service monkey can be trained to do things that a Golden Retriever can't, like butter your toast, tie your shoes, roll your Yahtzee dice, that kind of thing. Who knew? Man, if they can teach monkeys to cook and clean toilets, it would be worth having my kneecaps broken just to get one of those little dudes for myself.

Anyway. Back to the kneecap story. 

We decided to take the kids for a full day at Sea World, and my mother-in-law rented herself one of those electric carts. Now, as I said, she's usually a very bright, capable woman, but for some reason she had a lot of trouble with this cart. First she rammed the thing (and her knee) into a metal pole. Then she plowed into a bench, whacking the same knee again. She already has two artificial hips, so maybe the electric cart generated some kind of weird magnetic attraction between her leg and whatever upright metal object was nearby. I don't know.  

It got to where my kids started warning strangers around us, "Look out, my grandma's coming through. You might want to get out your insurance card." When they'd hear the beep, beep of the cart backing up, they'd begin searching the Sea World map for the closest first aid station. You could be across the park and know when the dolphin show, or the shark show, or whatever show, was over, because you could hear the WHAM of my mother-in-law backing her cart into a trash can as she prepared to leave the stadium. 

Hubster and I talked about it later, and we decided that if his mom ever becomes unable to walk well within her own home, we're not going to let her get one of those Hoveround things. Absolutely not. She'd run that thing straight into the bridge table, knock over the peanut bowl, and her bridge buddies would pelt her with rocks and garbage. The entire retirement community would be in an uproar, and she'd be relegated to playing Yahtzee with her service monkey.

Nope, if she ever needs ambulatory assistance, we've got a solution. We're gonna get her a service donkey. One of those little miniature donkeys that she can ride around the house and down to the community hall for morning coffee. 

And the best part of this plan is this. If my kids ever get in a bragging match with an Italian mafia kid about their grandmas, my kids can say, "Yeah? Well, my grandma's ass can kick your grandma."

Heh heh.

10 comments:

Amanda said...

Surely you didn't think that you would have an uneventful vacation, did you???? LOL I can't wait to hear about the rest.

Hugs,
Amanda

Keeley said...

Ahahahahaha!!!! Oh my gosh, that last line was brilliant! =D =D Hold on while I quit laughing so I can see straight.


*deep breath*

Anyway, so, I'm hoping the rest of your holiday was fun? And what happened to your boys and the policeman?

And how's your house?

Tiffany said...

Very funny! I can't wait to here about the armed police.

randomrevelations said...

You never cease to put a smile on my face.

Mostly Sunny said...

If you get her a donkey, you'll still have to get her a service monkey to "clean up" after the donkey. Then you need to get a 2nd monkey to pick the lice and fleas off the first monkey. Then you need to plant banana trees to feed the monkeys, then you need to hire illegal immigrants to pick the bananas, then you need to vote for Hillary or Obama to get health insurance for the illegal immigrants. So, although a donkey sounds good on paper, you obviously didn't think it through to the end, now, did you? :)

Chris said...

i was talking to Erin the other day and i was like yeah TC broke her kneecap and she was like "uh noooo" and then explained ur post and yelled at me for not reading it all the way....um yeah lol

but yes i changed my blog for hopefully the last time--i sorta quit sorta started over...yep funs stuff.

:)De said...

TC,
Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day!
:)De

Edgar the Ghost said...

I had a lovely time vacationing with you all. Your youngest daughter was absolutely charming, and hardly noticed when I swiped some of her jelly beans.

Also, I want to thank you for your hospitable kindness as I reside in your house, and do forgive me in advance for any noise I make in the attic.

Cheers!

Jan said...

Wow..I'm really glad that I added you to my favourites! You don't know me...I just view your blog on a semi-regular basis to lighten my mood..you are so funny! I especially like the "canadian" comment...since I am one. LOL

Take care

Wendy said...

I really hope you are going to "morf" your blogging talents into a book. I haven't read anything this funny in a long time. BTW, as a Canadian, the part about being a Canadian made me laugh so hard, I think I woke the kids.