Okay, so there's this new candy bar on the market, "Snickers Charged." Apparently this is just like your normal everyday Snickers, except that it's packed with all those energy-enhancing ingredients like caffeine, taurine, and nitroglycerine.
This is a bad, bad idea, on so many levels.
Let's start with who won't purchase this candy: anyone over the age of 40.
It's not like people over the age of 40 don't need more energy. Quite the contrary. Let's face it, you hit 40 and suddenly you start grunting when you put on socks. You get winded just throwing your change into the bucket at the toll booth. You rationalize that when you chuck your underwear at the laundry hamper and miss, and then you pick them up with your toes, that counts as both aerobic exercise and strength training.
But the first problem with the Snickers Charged bar is the fat content. Fat molecules love people over 40. We're kind of a luxury commune for fat molecules. They move in, claim squatters rights on your thighs, have a bunch of children, invite their friends and their friends' children, and before you know it, you've got half of Oregon camped out on your butt. You might as well just buy a bunch of Snickers Charged bars and duct tape them together around your waist like a belt.
The other issue with this candy is that the older you get, the more dangerous food becomes. Butter clogs your arteries. Sugar gives you diabetes. Salt gives you high blood pressure. Lima beans make your spleen explode. Bananas cause you to develop a mutant twin in your pancreas. By the time you're 80, the only safe things to eat are pureed oatmeal and air. And if you make it to 90, you'd better get used to living on air alone. Pureed, of course.
So as much as I need the energy in a Snickers Charged bar, I just can't take the risk of 1) cankles that start at the back of my knees, and 2) my pituitary gland growing a beard and getting a driver's license.
Next: Snickers Charged + Toddler Power = a solution to the energy crisis.