Saturday, April 12, 2008

Why I'll be serving oatmeal at my next dinner party.

Okay, so there's this new candy bar on the market, "Snickers Charged." Apparently this is just like your normal everyday Snickers, except that it's packed with all those energy-enhancing ingredients like caffeine, taurine, and nitroglycerine.

This is a bad, bad idea, on so many levels.

Let's start with who won't purchase this candy: anyone over the age of 40.

It's not like people over the age of 40 don't need more energy. Quite the contrary. Let's face it, you hit 40 and suddenly you start grunting when you put on socks. You get winded just throwing your change into the bucket at the toll booth. You rationalize that when you chuck your underwear at the laundry hamper and miss, and then you pick them up with your toes, that counts as both aerobic exercise and strength training.

But the first problem with the Snickers Charged bar is the fat content. Fat molecules love people over 40. We're kind of a luxury commune for fat molecules. They move in, claim squatters rights on your thighs, have a bunch of children, invite their friends and their friends' children, and before you know it, you've got half of Oregon camped out on your butt. You might as well just buy a bunch of Snickers Charged bars and duct tape them together around your waist like a belt.

The other issue with this candy is that the older you get, the more dangerous food becomes. Butter clogs your arteries. Sugar gives you diabetes. Salt gives you high blood pressure. Lima beans make your spleen explode. Bananas cause you to develop a mutant twin in your pancreas. By the time you're 80, the only safe things to eat are pureed oatmeal and air. And if you make it to 90, you'd better get used to living on air alone. Pureed, of course.

So as much as I need the energy in a Snickers Charged bar, I just can't take the risk of 1) cankles that start at the back of my knees, and 2) my pituitary gland growing a beard and getting a driver's license.

Next: Snickers Charged + Toddler Power = a solution to the energy crisis.


Anonymous said...

I LOVE the snickers charged! It reminds me of the day's (many, many, many years ago!) that I had snickers and Dr. Pepper on my way to school. What a way to start the day!

Mostly Sunny said...

Poor lima beans. Still getting a bad rap after all these years. I've been eating them for 29 (a-hem) years and my spleen is still intact, I'll have you know. You should try them again. You may like them, you will see, you may like them in a tree.

Cindy said...

To this day I cannot stand lima beans! my brother and I used to hide them in our napkins and then flush them down the toilet. We had no idea about septic tanks when we were 8 & 9 yrs old. We got sooooo busted!

Thank you for your humor!

Junosmom said...

Just what America needs - a candy bar that will give you energy and make you fat all at the same time. I guess if you have more fat, you need more energy to move it? Is that the theory?

Anonymous said...

OMG!! You are so funny!!!
Love your favorite daughter!:)

lillinda said...

Hey ! I didn't mind Lima Beans as much as Lintels ! Those things are just GROSS !!!!
Mama made us eat them. It was torture !
And she wonders why I cringe when someone says"You're just like your mother " !
God I hope not !

(Love ya mom, really !)

40winkzzz said...

I was going to disagree with you about the "nobody over 40 will buy these" statement, bc I'm over 40 and *thought* about buying one. But I guess "thought about" doesn't actually count, does it?

Chris said...

yes sugar = bad for ppl mmhmm me try stay away from

that...was my attempt at a comment

JAN said...

You are hilarious and a great writer! I'm a semi-long-time lurker coming out just to say thanks for all the laughs! :-) I love all your stories.

Antelope said...


Have a great one!

Keeley said...

How's the house fixin' goin'? I've been thinking about you. Hope you're coping ok.