Saturday, April 26, 2008

Please leave a message at the tone ...

TC is away on vacation, which has included, so far:

1. Automotive disaster
2. A midnight visit from 3 armed police officers
3. Two lost sons
4. A mother-in-law's attempt to break her kneecap - twice

TC will return to blogging when she gets home and has gotten a prescription for Prozac.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Why I'll be serving oatmeal at my next dinner party.

Okay, so there's this new candy bar on the market, "Snickers Charged." Apparently this is just like your normal everyday Snickers, except that it's packed with all those energy-enhancing ingredients like caffeine, taurine, and nitroglycerine.

This is a bad, bad idea, on so many levels.

Let's start with who won't purchase this candy: anyone over the age of 40.

It's not like people over the age of 40 don't need more energy. Quite the contrary. Let's face it, you hit 40 and suddenly you start grunting when you put on socks. You get winded just throwing your change into the bucket at the toll booth. You rationalize that when you chuck your underwear at the laundry hamper and miss, and then you pick them up with your toes, that counts as both aerobic exercise and strength training.

But the first problem with the Snickers Charged bar is the fat content. Fat molecules love people over 40. We're kind of a luxury commune for fat molecules. They move in, claim squatters rights on your thighs, have a bunch of children, invite their friends and their friends' children, and before you know it, you've got half of Oregon camped out on your butt. You might as well just buy a bunch of Snickers Charged bars and duct tape them together around your waist like a belt.

The other issue with this candy is that the older you get, the more dangerous food becomes. Butter clogs your arteries. Sugar gives you diabetes. Salt gives you high blood pressure. Lima beans make your spleen explode. Bananas cause you to develop a mutant twin in your pancreas. By the time you're 80, the only safe things to eat are pureed oatmeal and air. And if you make it to 90, you'd better get used to living on air alone. Pureed, of course.

So as much as I need the energy in a Snickers Charged bar, I just can't take the risk of 1) cankles that start at the back of my knees, and 2) my pituitary gland growing a beard and getting a driver's license.

Next: Snickers Charged + Toddler Power = a solution to the energy crisis.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Be Careful For What Thou Wisheth (a true story)

And it came about that when Hubs and his wife, TC, had begat three children, the three children ate much and grew large, so that Hubs said, "It is time for us to make our dwelling in the land of much dirt, for there we can find a larger abode." So it was there they made their home.

But ere long, Hubs cried out, "Lo, we have been much deceived, for this habitation was built from discarded mobile home parts and stolen job site materials, and look, it is held together with Twinkie filling." And it was then that Hubs and his wife, TC, cried out to the Lord, "Oh, God, hear us in our hour of need, as we petition Thou to send us money or a winning lottery ticket that we might repair this habitation, for our children have sucked us financially dry." And God heard their prayer, and sent them a fourth child, whom they named Sasquatch, for he ate more and grew more than the other three children together, so that the financial dryness became a drought upon them and they were unable to make the abode a pleasant place.

And so it was that when Hubs and his wife, TC, and their children would journey to another place, Hubs would instruct his neighbors, "If thou seest our house on fire, waiteth one hour before calling the fire department." And TC did greatly hope that each new spring would bring a tornado upon their land with which to utterly destroy the habitation of despair, as it was one where wallpaper was held in place with packing tape. And when they said these things to their friends, all would hear of it and laugh and make merry.

But the Hand of the Lord was at work, and shewed Itself in the fourth month of the year 2008, when God sent a mighty wind and storm upon the land. And in the dark of night, the family of Hubs cried out, "Have mercy on us, as our habitation is thus being pelted with hail the size of monkey heads!" And behold, as the light dawned, Hubs and his wife, TC, did look upon their rooms and see glass glittering as a million small diamonds upon their floors, which caused them to say, "Surely we are not like Moses, for God has instructed us to put ON our shoes in this place. And holey moly, this carpet is soaked and smells like the fur of a wet dog."

And then, God did send an angel of mercy, he who was named Allstate, who declared to Hubs, "Behold, you shall receive new windows, a new roof, new siding, new carpet, and whatever else shall be necessary to re-build your place of habitation." And there was much rejoicing even though one car had suffered totally at the power of the hail the size of monkey heads.

So it was that the children of Hubs and his wife, TC, did empty out their bedrooms so that the habitation might be rebuilt. And TC pondered these things in her heart, and did smile, for she alone knew the truth: That the mighty stench of the Compost Heap of Underwear and Socks, that had long grown deep and dark in the room of her sons, had reached the nostrils of God in Heaven. And God had said, "Surely this stench is of The Evil One," and He sent forth the storm and the hail the size of monkey heads to utterly destroy it.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Good grief, where have I been?

I've decided it's really difficult to keep up with a blog when one lives a life as exciting as mine.

To wit (I've said it before, and I'll say it again, one of the best things about blogging is getting to use phrases you'd never say in real life, like "to wit"):

Bunhead, after ballet class last week: I feel so out of touch with the other girls in class. Last week, during spring break, Rachel went to France. Lauren went to Hawaii. Olivia went to Pompeii!

Me: Are you saying our spring break wasn't exciting, or interesting, or stimulating? What about the day the dog got so stressed, he pooped on the floor while we were trimming his nails? Wasn't that a story you'll tell your children? Oh, and don't forget that one afternoon when we went to StuffMart and I made everyone behind us in the self-checkout line wait for 15 minutes while I plugged dimes and nickels into the slot to pay for my purchases! Wasn't that a lively time? Oh, oh, and the morning that the cow and her calf escaped, and we had to go all Lonesome Dove out on the highway to round 'em back up? That was kind of cool. And then there was that time your dad wigged out because the floor needed to be vacuumed. That was ... uh ... memorable.

Bunhead, giving me that look that says, Only by some bizarre genetic mutation am I related to you : Yeah.

So yeah. That's what's been rockin' and rollin' in my life. But I just found out about a new candy bar that's just begging for my comments. You know I always have an opinion about chocolate - usually that 1) it's good, and 2) I need some - so that'll be up next.