Friday, February 8, 2008

"And don't forget to check out the new paint job on the Dumpster out back!"

Good Lord. Entertainment options in my little Texas town have reached a new low. Literally.

I used to think it was pitiful enough that most families 'round here spend their Friday evenings dragging their eight kids through StuffMart until midnight. By that time, the mostly naked toddler is crying into his sippee cup of Dr. Pepper and his diaper has reached critical mass. The older kids are squabbling over whether to get the mega-pack of Larditos, and the teenage son is curled in a fetal position under the shopping cart. Good times, good times.

But, like most other small Texas towns, we have a Dairy Queen. DQs have been around a long time, because, as any fool knows, God created Dairy Queen right after the whole Garden of Eden disaster, so that Adam & Eve and the kids would have a place to go eat after Wednesday night prayer meetings.

Well. Our poor old DQ was in need of some remodeling, and once the project was finished, what do you think the manager put on the sign board out front? "Updated play area for the kids!" No. "Eat in our new, larger dining area!" Try again. "Now with self-serve ice cream bar!" I wish.

No, here is what is on the sign board. And I swear I am not making this up.

"We are open! Come see our new restrooms!"

Now, I don't know about you, but 1) I don't get all that jacked up about public restrooms. All I care is that they're clean and that there's enough toilet paper so that I don't have to wave my hand under the stall divider between me & my restroom neighbor, because we all know where that leads, and b) I don't want to be sitting at my table, enjoying my Buster Bar, and have to listen to the guy at the table next to me telling his buddies, "Dang! Them new ur'nals'll do ever'thing but zip up yer pants!"

So I'm kind of avoiding the Dairy Queen until the newness wears off. On the upside, though, with all the locals crowding into the DQ, StuffMart has been pleasantly less suffocating.

Oh my. I just had a dreadful thought.

What if  StuffMart remodels their restrooms? There just aren't enough Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies to pacify the huge mob that would arrive for the Great Double Whammy of Entertainment.


Mostly Sunny said...

As always, you've supplied my recommended daily allowance of humor! Now I can continue on with my day with a smile on my face, and lilt in my step, and the new-found knowledge that DQ was created by God. I don't know what Bible translation you use, but I don't think mine mentions that. I'll need to go dig deeper, maybe reading it while I'm crunching the chocolate coating off my Dilly Bar.

Shelley said...


I already knew about the God/DQ connection as my former pastor preached about it....he says there will be one on every corner in you think they will have floors of gold?

Chris said...

o wow that is too funny...too funny. hickville :D

Sydney said...

The powers that be in the small Texas town I grew up in thought a Dairy Queen would corrupt the youth, so we never got one. Because we all know that eating ice cream and fried foods would have been a step down from the favorite teenage pasttimes of drinking in the school parking lot and going to land parties! (Not that I would know from experiece. The strongest thing I ever drank was Dr. Pepper!)

Junosmom said...

Courtesy - I think - of Jay Leno. Did you hear that the Stuffmarts in KY have put in TWO dental clinics at each location. One regular clinic and a "fast lane" for people with 15 teeth or less.

bensrib said...

Wouldn't you love to know what goes on in that manager's mind? Maybe not.

Tiffany said...

The small town I grew up in has not one but two DQ's. Two DQ's in a town of 13000. I refuse to eat there because they are both older than God himself and have not been remodeled since the great flood. I shudder to think of what the kitchen looks like.

Rhen (yestheyareallmine) said...

Oh-My-Word!! I am still laughing. That was so good I had to read it out loud to hubs.

Loved it!

Dy said...

See, *this* is why I miss living in Eastern NM! We were only a quick drive from any small TX town and a DQ. It is a guaranteed good time for people-watching and a fried pork fritter (there's a cardiologist somewhere in Huntsville who will one day retire early because of my sick affection for those...)

Hey, do you get the Mennonite families in your StuffMart? I didn't realize that's what they were at first, b/c the men and boys were all decked out in Dallas Cowboys gear (jackets, bolo ties, belt buckles, hats), really nice Wranglers and cockroach killers. Some serious bling, for the area. Then, here'd come the women and girls in... brown... with stockings and sensible shoes, and headcoverings... and WTH??? How did *that* happen? Zorak filled me in. Until then, I'd had no idea there had been an update to the dress code. :-)

Have a soft serve for me sometime, you know, after the bathroom frenzy subsides!

Katy said...

To tag on to Shelley's comment, I would guess that it's not the gold floors that will be of utmost importance; rather, the golden toilets and urinals will be the pieces des resistances! Do you think God will mention them on the marquis?

Debz;) said...

Hilarious post made me laugh till I cried, so I've decided to award you the Excellent blogger award! Go to my blog to get the details :)


Stephanie said...

Obviously your family is nothing like ours. Our children LOVE to check out every public restroom they can possibly access. Quick trip to the grocery store? No Chance. Someone will have to relieve themselves. I think we know the location of every restroom in every store in town we've ever entered. The newer, the better.