I used to think it was pitiful enough that most families 'round here spend their Friday evenings dragging their eight kids through StuffMart until midnight. By that time, the mostly naked toddler is crying into his sippee cup of Dr. Pepper and his diaper has reached critical mass. The older kids are squabbling over whether to get the mega-pack of Larditos, and the teenage son is curled in a fetal position under the shopping cart. Good times, good times.
But, like most other small Texas towns, we have a Dairy Queen. DQs have been around a long time, because, as any fool knows, God created Dairy Queen right after the whole Garden of Eden disaster, so that Adam & Eve and the kids would have a place to go eat after Wednesday night prayer meetings.
Well. Our poor old DQ was in need of some remodeling, and once the project was finished, what do you think the manager put on the sign board out front? "Updated play area for the kids!" No. "Eat in our new, larger dining area!" Try again. "Now with self-serve ice cream bar!" I wish.
No, here is what is on the sign board. And I swear I am not making this up.
"We are open! Come see our new restrooms!"
Now, I don't know about you, but 1) I don't get all that jacked up about public restrooms. All I care is that they're clean and that there's enough toilet paper so that I don't have to wave my hand under the stall divider between me & my restroom neighbor, because we all know where that leads, and b) I don't want to be sitting at my table, enjoying my Buster Bar, and have to listen to the guy at the table next to me telling his buddies, "Dang! Them new ur'nals'll do ever'thing but zip up yer pants!"
So I'm kind of avoiding the Dairy Queen until the newness wears off. On the upside, though, with all the locals crowding into the DQ, StuffMart has been pleasantly less suffocating.
Oh my. I just had a dreadful thought.
What if StuffMart remodels their restrooms? There just aren't enough Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies to pacify the huge mob that would arrive for the Great Double Whammy of Entertainment.