Friday, January 18, 2008

Anything but that.

Oh, calm down. I haven't passed on. Although it's not like I haven't had opportunities.

One morning last week, I climbed out of bed and promptly whacked the side of my foot against a box that's been loitering at the foot of the bed for, well, a long time. I think I ruptured a major blood vessel 'cause within minutes that sucker swelled up like it belonged to Barry Bonds. A few minutes later, the whole side of my bloated foot was a deep burgundy and it hurt to put on a sock.

Well, my big fear was that I was going to wake up the next morning and find myself d-e-a-d, dead. Bled to death as a result of being a crappy housekeeper. My obituary would read, "Died from clutter," because my family wouldn't come up with something more plausible and less embarrassing, like, "She was carried off by a pack of caffeine-deprived jackals," or, "She died of dehydration while waiting for her dial-up internet service to download a YouTube video." 

Actually, I never thought I'd die from my own clutter. I figured my kids' junk would do me in, in one of those bizarre home accidents you read about in News of the Weird. Something like, I'd walk in the back door, trip over a pile of shoes, and fall to the floor, where I'd suffer a fatal puncture of the left kidney by the barrel of a Nerf dart gun. Or I'd step on a hairbrush, and the accupuncture by the bristles in all the wrong places would cause my heart to stop. Or maybe a Cheez-It would slip out from under the sofa cushion, cut my thigh, and I'd die of cheddar sepsis. You never know.

Anyway. I'm fine now, other than the spectacular bruise left behind. Why do people describe a bruise as "black and blue?" My foot looks like fall foliage. Hot glue a couple of acorns on there and I'd have a nice centerpiece for Thanksgiving.

In other podiatry news, a large quantity of petrified socks showed up in the laundry on Monday. I could swear I haven't seen these since my sons "lost" them back in 1998. Judging by the odor and crustiness of the socks, I can only assume they've spent the last 9 years in a dumpster in Bayonne, New Jersey. I'm sincerely hoping the lost underwear never reappears.

12 comments:

Mostly Sunny said...

Our dumb lazy fat smelly dog made me break my little toe this fall. She wouldn't move her little ___ and as I tried to walk around her, my foot hit the edge of the dresser. Yeah, mine looked like an Easter centerpiece... purple, pink, and blue. It was a good 2 months until it didn't hurt anymore.

Amanda said...

OUCH! I hope it gets better soon. I've torn ligaments in both of my ankles before. They make some pretty colors don't they??

I don't suppose you could use this as some kind of guilt trip (ok, wrong choice of words) to get the kids to clean the clutter for you?

It's good to see you posting again. :)

Hugs,
Amanda

TobyBo said...

not really about this entry, but I am a little concerned about the "labels" under it... *socks*?? *underwear*?? what sort of blog has labels like those?

Ottawa Gardener said...

Great post. I tend to trip on lint, have done so since childhood, so it doesn't take clutter to make me clumpsy. In fact, I have managed to fall off my bike three times and seriously bruise myself in the same place three times. The last time, I actually thought I would never be able to use the knee again!

I did not notice the socks and underwear labels... I'll have to have a look...

Debi said...

That sounds incredibly painful. You should take pix!!

The worst bruise I ever got was not the result of clutter, but of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was monitoring a golf hole, yep you heard it right, during a golf tournament for a youth group fund raiser. I just had to watch the golfers, from a safe distance of course, to verify if they got the hole-in-one and won a truck.

We saw the next group of our golfers come to the tee, and one took his swing. I asked my husband, the co-monitor, if he could see the ball--nope--and just then WHACK..it hit me on my left thigh!! I have never experienced such pain and then I had a huge knot there & some of THE most amazing colors sprang up from there. I never knew the human skin could take on such a vast array of colors!! I should've taken a pix!!

So you take it easy and USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE WOMAN!! You HAVE to keep your foot propped up to get the blood that has pooled there to bring on these amazing colors to dissipate!! Oh and you'll need some bon-bons to aid in shrinking those vessels, some wine to ensure your heart stays healthy with all this pooled blood returning to his proper place and the TV remote so you can focus your attention away from the pain & on to something enlightening...like All My Children!!

Enjoy!

ShackelMom said...

Ouch! And I bet you were just planning to start your new exercise program too... too bad!

Sunydazy said...

I was starting to wonder what happened to you.
I thought maybe your hubby was fixing the computer again!

I found quite a collection of socks under Osprey's bed when I was cleaning and packing things to take to him. The bed will probably start sagging now, without all that extra support under there.

Adrienne said...

I don't think I have ever commented on your blog before. (I am in a 12 step program on how to delurk myself!) Anyway, I have been a long time reader and thoroughly enjoy your blog!

Hope your foot is on the mend and all better soon!

Chris said...

owow! i am so sad to hear bout ur foot! Yes well i would switchfoots with u but...yeah but what idk--i did not think past the clever pun hehehe

~Rhen said...

LOLOLOL- Bad accupuncture from a hair brush. I have had that thought before! That is too funny!

Prayers you heal quickly hon!

Think I could fit a few more exclamation points in here?!!!!! :)

Antelope said...

I sure am glad you haven't passed on. That might mean I wouldn't get to see your kids anymore!! =O

Just kidding. But really, sorry about your foot - it sounds awfully painful. Hope it's better soon!

Jess

katydid said...

I found your blog site a couple of days ago. You are incredibly funny! I am a homeschool mom also. I just have the 17 year old to finish and then I AM DONE! Anyway, I put you on my Favorites list so I can get a good laugh. Keep 'em comin'!