One morning last week, I climbed out of bed and promptly whacked the side of my foot against a box that's been loitering at the foot of the bed for, well, a long time. I think I ruptured a major blood vessel 'cause within minutes that sucker swelled up like it belonged to Barry Bonds. A few minutes later, the whole side of my bloated foot was a deep burgundy and it hurt to put on a sock.
Well, my big fear was that I was going to wake up the next morning and find myself d-e-a-d, dead. Bled to death as a result of being a crappy housekeeper. My obituary would read, "Died from clutter," because my family wouldn't come up with something more plausible and less embarrassing, like, "She was carried off by a pack of caffeine-deprived jackals," or, "She died of dehydration while waiting for her dial-up internet service to download a YouTube video."
Actually, I never thought I'd die from my own clutter. I figured my kids' junk would do me in, in one of those bizarre home accidents you read about in News of the Weird. Something like, I'd walk in the back door, trip over a pile of shoes, and fall to the floor, where I'd suffer a fatal puncture of the left kidney by the barrel of a Nerf dart gun. Or I'd step on a hairbrush, and the accupuncture by the bristles in all the wrong places would cause my heart to stop. Or maybe a Cheez-It would slip out from under the sofa cushion, cut my thigh, and I'd die of cheddar sepsis. You never know.
Anyway. I'm fine now, other than the spectacular bruise left behind. Why do people describe a bruise as "black and blue?" My foot looks like fall foliage. Hot glue a couple of acorns on there and I'd have a nice centerpiece for Thanksgiving.
In other podiatry news, a large quantity of petrified socks showed up in the laundry on Monday. I could swear I haven't seen these since my sons "lost" them back in 1998. Judging by the odor and crustiness of the socks, I can only assume they've spent the last 9 years in a dumpster in Bayonne, New Jersey. I'm sincerely hoping the lost underwear never reappears.