Saturday, January 5, 2008

2008 Resignations

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

In light of the above truth, I have decided to quit making New Year's Resolutions and start making New Year's Resignations instead. In other words, I'm going to accept certain undeniable realities. Here's how my list shapes up.

Resolution: I will lose 20 pounds.
Resignation: I will lose 2 pounds, and that's only if my doctor will agree to remove an organ.

Resolution: I will get my sons to clean and disinfect their bedroom.
Resignation: I will pray that the compost heap of dirty socks & underwear spontaneously combusts, thereby incinerating all the mutant bacteria growing up there.

Resolution: I will become an environmental activist in my community.
Resignation: The incinerated compost heap will obliterate the ozone layer and my family will go down in history as "The Boneheads Who Melted Antarctica."

Resolution: I will keep my vehicle in immaculate condition.
Resignation: I will continue to drive my dust-covered mini-van with the front bumper that's duct taped on, so as to be reminded to be humble because I'm this close to being poor white trash. Or possibly related to Red Green.

Resolution: I will spend less.
Resignation: I will cut back on purchasing non-essentials, such as food, electricity, socks, and underwear, so that I can buy gasoline each month, so that Hubster can continue to get to work to earn more money to buy more gasoline.

Resolution: Every day, I will look youthful and vibrant.
Resignation: Every morning, I will notice that all my body parts are continuing their slow, unstoppable migration toward the Equator.

Resolution: I will prepare healthy meals for my family, and teach them to enjoy exotic foods.
Resignation: My children will think that "healthy" means the can was not dented, and "exotic" is when the box of mac & cheese comes with little pastas in the shape of farm animals.

Resolution: I will blog about serious, relevant issues.
Resignation: What, Hello Kitty waffle irons aren't relevant?


Susan in Elk Grove, CA said...

Please don't blog about serious relevant issues, unless, of course, it's with near-lethal doses of your humor! :)

the frogster said...

I like it. I resolved to quite drinking coffee, but then I couldn't sleep and I had to take my mom to the airport at 5am on Jan 1, so that resolution lasted 3 hours and twenty minutes.

I must say, however, that as that is my record for resolutions, I'm quite proud of myself. Maybe next year I'll make it to 6am.

Mostly Sunny said...

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't you DARE get serious on me! If you do, I'm tellin' Mom and Dad. Oh wait, Mom'll forget and Dad's too slow to chase after you... well, just don't okay? Blogging Life is the only comic relief I get anymore. Well, that and watching JenJen drag her butt across the floor. That IS pretty funny.

lizzie said...

I love this one! Very clever.

I hope your week is filled with lots of blog material and that it's a good one as well.

the vagabonds handmaiden said...

My Vagabond Astronomer sent your blog to me, and you are right on top of the truth pile with this! And don't worry so much about "serious" and "relevant", those things are best approached with humor whenever possible...

Don Lewis said...

OOOooo! Can you get me Red Green's autograph? He's like a God here in north-west-central Idaho!

Jill said...

LOVED, LOVED, LOVED this post. It's like you have seen my car and my kids bedrooms.
Here's one you forgot;
Resolution- I will make sure I know about all my kids school assignments, help them study their spelling words each night, keep track of all their reading minutes and have them turn in their book reports before they are due. I will get up extra early each morning so I can get them to school ON TIME every day, wearing freshly ironed stylish outfits with hair combed neatly, after fixing them a healthy and delicious breakfast.
Resignation- Hey I got them to school eventually didn't I?

Jeana said...

Ma'am, all your posts are serious...seriously funny, that is. Your insightful words bring a smile to my face!

As for resolutions: I always "happen" to forget that such things exist. :)