Friday, August 31, 2007

"TAG" spelled backward is "GAT."

With thanks to PuritySeekers:


1. What is your school’s name and why? My family has always resisted naming our school, mainly because they’re afraid I’m going to make them all wear matching polo shirts with the name embroidered on the chest. Dang it, why did I teach them to be independent thinkers? So our unofficial school name is the North Texas Academy of Cheez-Doodles.


2. How is your weather today? Texas + August = hot & sunny.


3. What steals your joy? Watching Christians be hateful to each other, because it so destroys the witness of the Church.


4. Name 5 blessings you received this week.

1. Biscotti.

2. Nine hours of sleep on Wednesday night, compared to my usual 5 or 6.

3. CiCi’s pizza with three of my favorite young adults – Tyler, Emma, and Osprey.

4. Tickets to see Relient K and Switchfoot in October. Woo hoo!

5. Being part of an incredible church, and having the Word poured out on me as a means of grace.


5. Favorite Scripture passage. All of Philippians.


6. Who in the Bible do you think you are most like? Joseph. But I don’t do dream interpretation, so don’t ask.


7. The passage of scripture you read last was: Mark 5.


8. Have you ever praised God for something weird? My life, which is just a series of weird events.


9. If you were making a greeting card for God, what would you say? THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! YOU’RE THE GREATEST! And if you’re not too busy, would you mind just whacking _________ with a lightning bolt?


10. What is the best miracle God has performed in your life, or what is you favorite answered prayer? You mean besides the fact that He predestined me, regenerated me, called me, justified me, and is sanctifying me? Well, there’s that little matter of Him blessing infertile me with four children …


11. What is the most fun thing you have done lately? Gone shopping with Emma for a formal dress, which was considerably less traumatic than jeans shopping, except when she put on the dress that made her look like Marilyn Monroe and I needed oxygen.


12. How did you choose your screen name? It’s closely related to the name given me by the US Witness Protection Program, and that’s all I can say about that.


Now...choose five people to tag. OreoSouza, Telmar, EmptyNestMom, ChathamMommy, Iluvtheland .

"TAG" spelled backward is "GAT."

With thanks to PuritySeekers:

1. What is your school’s name and why? My family has always resisted naming our school, mainly because they’re afraid I’m going to make them all wear matching polo shirts with the name embroidered on the chest. Dang it, why did I teach them to be independent thinkers? So our unofficial school name is the North Texas Academy of Cheez-Doodles.

2. How is your weather today? Texas + August = hot & sunny.

3. What steals your joy? Watching Christians be hateful to each other, because it so destroys the witness of the Church.

4. Name 5 blessings you received this week.
1. Biscotti.
2. Nine hours of sleep on Wednesday night, compared to my usual 5 or 6.
3. CiCi’s pizza with three of my favorite young adults – Tyler, Emma, and Osprey.
4. Tickets to see Relient K and Switchfoot in October. Woo hoo!
5. Being part of an incredible church, and having the Word poured out on me as a means of grace.

5. Favorite Scripture passage. All of Philippians.

6. Who in the Bible do you think you are most like? Joseph. But I don’t do dream interpretation, so don’t ask.

7. The passage of scripture you read last was: Mark 5.

8. Have you ever praised God for something weird? My life, which is just a series of weird events.

9. If you were making a greeting card for God, what would you say? THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! YOU’RE THE GREATEST! And if you’re not too busy, would you mind just whacking _________ with a lightning bolt?

10. What is the best miracle God has performed in your life, or what is you favorite answered prayer? You mean besides the fact that He predestined me, regenerated me, called me, justified me, and is sanctifying me? Well, there’s that little matter of Him blessing infertile me with four children …

11. What is the most fun thing you have done lately? Gone shopping with Emma for a formal dress, which was considerably less traumatic than jeans shopping, except when she put on the dress that made her look like Marilyn Monroe and I needed oxygen.

12. How did you choose your screen name? It’s closely related to the name given me by the US Witness Protection Program, and that’s all I can say about that.

Now...choose five people to tag. OreoSouza, Telmar, EmptyNestMom, ChathamMommy, Iluvtheland .

Thursday, August 30, 2007

And now for a commercial break.

Today, rather than write some inane entry, like how I just discovered biscotti and believe that this must be what God eats for breakfast, I'm going to point you to the blog of my real-life friend, Lindiepindie. But first I'm going to show you just how smart she is. Look at these pincushions she's been making.

Aren't they just cuter'n a bug's ear?! She's also made some that look like real cupcakes, but you'll have to go to her blog, Craft Apple, to see them. She's got some tutorials and patterns over there, too. I just love having brilliant friends.

Oh, and she's the person most responsible for starting my blogging career. So if you enjoy Fish in My Hair, pop in and drop her a nice comment. And if you don't enjoy FIMH, well, be nice to her, anyway. It's not her fault I'm a doofus.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I hope he didn't delete "70's Gold Disco Tuba Tunes."

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Three or four years ago, Husband came to me with information on a new device called an "iPod." "Look at these!" he exclaimed. "If I got one of these 40G iPods, it would store all the music I'd ever own."

I fell for it. He got the iPod.

In the many months since, the man has made it his personal mission to acquire every song ever written by any human, animal, vegetable, or mineral in world history. I think the only two CDs we are lacking is "Yanni Sings Ancient Egyptian Funeral Chants" and "Chinese Music to Celebrate the Year of the Ptarmigan." (I don't even know what a ptarmigan is; I've just always wanted to use that word on my blog.)

So I was only mildly surprised when he came to me last week and announced, "I have a Big Problem." Now, Husband's Big Problems usually run the gamut from running out of his favorite beverage, to needing a new Venison-scented air freshener for the car, to not being able to find his favorite pair of underwear (the one with the waistband stretched out in all the right places). But this Big Problem was of epic proportions. He glumly announced, "I have to take some music off my iPod to make room for new stuff."

I knew what was coming next.

"I could really use one of those new 60G iPods. It would hold all the music I could ever own." (This is where I was supposed to mentally hear sad violin music in the background. Instead, I could only imagine the "ka-ching, ka-ching" sound of a cash register, in harmony with Yanni.)

Here's the thing. The man has so much music, he's way past the whole pod concept. What he needs is an iSteamerTrunk.

And then he'll need the accessory iDolly to make it mobile. Ka-ching.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Goofy conversions

I didn't come up with this, but it strikes me as being very homeschoolerish. You've got your fractions (math), your homonyms (language arts), your metric terms (science), and a bit of world culture (history). Read it to your kids while they're doing jumping jacks and you've covered a whole day's worth of schooling.

 •  Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
 •   2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. league
 •   2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
 •   1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
 •   Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
 •   365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
 •   Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
 •   1000 aches = 1 megahertz
 •   Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
 •   Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
 •   10 cards = 1 decacards
 •   1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
 •   10 rations = 1 decoration
 •   2 monograms = 1 diagram
 •   8 nickels = 2 paradigms
 •   2 wharves = 1 paradox

 Author Unknown

Goofy conversions

I didn't come up with this, but it strikes me as being very homeschoolerish. You've got your fractions (math), your homonyms (language arts), your metric terms (science), and a bit of world culture (history). Read it to your kids while they're doing jumping jacks and you've covered a whole day's worth of schooling.

 •  Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
 •   2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. league
 •   2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
 •   1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
 •   Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
 •   365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
 •   Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
 •   1000 aches = 1 megahertz
 •   Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
 •   Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
 •   10 cards = 1 decacards
 •   1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
 •   10 rations = 1 decoration
 •   2 monograms = 1 diagram
 •   8 nickels = 2 paradigms
 •   2 wharves = 1 paradox

 Author Unknown

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Next thing you know, someone's going to open a Hummer dealership.

My daughters and I were out running errands the other day, when I made an impulse decision to visit a small clothing store that recently opened in our town. There it was in a small strip shopping center, squeezed in between Paulie's Pork-Out Pizza Palace and The Prickly Pear Florist ("We specialize in cactus arrangements!").

I should have known better, just by the name on the storefront. It included the word "boutique," which, of course, is French for "muchos pesos." I don't normally shop in boutiques. I usually shop in stores whose names begin with "Mega-" or end in "-mart." So I don't really know what came over me, but we went in anyway.

It didn't take my girls long to find the rack of jeans, and even less time to see the price tags - $154.95. Now, I know there are places where consumers wouldn't bat an eye at that price, like Manhattan or Hollywood. But that's not where this store is. It's in Dirtville, Texas. This is a town that's known for its award-winning high school all-girls tractor restoration team. (I can only guess that the cheerleaders chant something like, "Turn that 'driver, turn that wrench! Get that carbuerator off that bench!") This is a town with 20 beauty shops, most of which haven't yet heard that the peacock bangs of the 80's have gone out of style. We also have four feed stores and five donut shops, but you have to drive 45 miles to buy a book or find someone who knows that the Baja Peninsula isn't a drink at Taco Bell. My point is, we don't have a $154.95-jeans-buying demographic.

So I can't figure out who's paying for these high-dollar jeans. It certainly isn't me. The only way I'd pay that much is if 1) they came with a $134.95 rebate, or 2) they had magical properties which made me look like Catherine Zeta-Jones when I put them on.

And it wasn't just the jeans. I found this cute t-shirt that had a lovely collage on the front and a saying something like "Motherhood isn't for the weak." Unfortunately, the store wanted $40 for this shirt, which was about the same thickness as single-ply toilet paper. And although it was marked as a medium size, it was TINY. I don't know any mothers in this county that could wear that shirt. When we say, "Everything's bigger in Texas," that includes women's black polyester stretch pants. The grocery store can run out of grapefruit and whole wheat flour, but God forbid the Little Debbie display rack goes empty or the Blue Bell Ice Cream truck breaks down. I've wondered if the women here allow themselves to get fat as a means of weighting down their mobile homes during tornadoes.

I'm keeping an eye on this store. I figure it can't stay in business for long, and when it gets ready to shut down, there's going to be a big sale. Then I'm gonna get me some designer jeans and wear them proudly to the next big local event, which I believe is the Miss Corn Fed Cutie Beauty Pageant. And when I say big event, I mean that literally.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What, no iPod dock?

I don't know if I can take the pressure.

When I got married, there was this unspoken assumption that I would acquire certain small kitchen appliances. As if that weren't enough, I was supposed to actually know how to use them, and then I was expected to produce real, edible food! Good golly, it's a wonder I didn't have a mental breakdown.

Twenty-one years later, I can say that I've mastered the acquisition part. I'm really good at buying stuff. And I'm usually pretty skilled at figuring out how to use my appliances (as in, how to turn them on and off). It's the food production step that still gives me fits.

Well, now there's another expectation. Apparently it's not enough to have a state-of-the-art mixer and all the attachments. Now I have to bling my mixer, like these folks have done.

But after giving this a little thought, I've decided how to customize my own kitchen. I'm going to put some of that yellow "CAUTION" tape on my oven door. Lord knows I don't need flame decals - I've got the real thing going on.

_________________________________________________________

(See more customized mixers here.)

Monday, August 20, 2007

I said "BAD poetry.

People, people, people. I think I should write a unit study on Bad Poetry, and it will include the fact that bad poetry has at least one of the following identifiers:

  1. Stilted or inaccurate rhyming,
  2. Complete lack of meter, and
  3. Use of the words "underwear," "Hillary Clinton," or "okra."

An excellent example would be this entry by Seester.

Roses are red, violets are blue. You are TC, and I am your Seester.

See? This is very unlike the lyrical, intellectual, and completely enjoyable poetry that was written by most of the other entrants. But I'm sure that, with some practice, all of you can produce truly grimace-producing poems in time for the 2008 awards.

But without further delay, here are the 2007 winners.

In the Young Adult category, the prize goes to Daffodilgirl for her entry, appropriately titled "Felony."

In the Adult category, the winner is Underdog, who actually rhymed too well to win, but his clever use of the term "exploding noses" tipped the scales in his favor.

If either of you would like a smaller version of the above photo to post on your blog, PM me and I'll send you the HTML code.

To everyone else, better luck next year! (And here's an inside tip - word is that the judge will be looking for entries that include the phrase "garbanzo bean.")

Saturday, August 18, 2007

It's the most wonderful time of the year! ARRRR!

Avast, yeh scurvy dogs! It's time again to break out yer eye patches, yer gold dubloons, and yer bottle of rum (or ginger ale). That's right, yeh bilge rat - it's September 19, the annual TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!

If yer not sure how to celebrate this most auspicious of days, head on over to the website for Talk Like a Pirate Day, yeh lump of fish breath. From there, yeh can find yer pirateish name, yer pirate profile (be sure to read the fine print at the end of the quiz, lest yeh find yerself walkin' the plank), and have a cargo hold full o' piratey fun. Arr, there be even a pattern so yeh can knit like a pirate. And if yeh need a little pirate music to help set yer mood, try The Bilge Pumps.

Arrrr, yeh better mind me, because I'm

The Quartermaster

You, me hearty, are a woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome, awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike – well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was called “bat-spit crazy,” the crew likes to have you around because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline AND entertainment.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

 

Signed in blood by Rancid Jezebel Dread (formerly known as TC), of the famed ship, The Vile Death of the East. Arrrr!

Bad Poetry

I'm excited to announce, in honor of today being Bad Poetry Day, TC's First Annual Bad Poetry Awards. Here's what you have to do to enter and possibly win.

  1. Write a bad poem, using either your blog name or user name as part of the poem. (There are no specific guidelines for this. We all know a bad poem when we see one.) Here's an example, which I created before my first cup of coffee this morning - a time when the worst poetry is written, in my opinion..

    Lost and Found

    If you find a pair
    of boy's underwear,
    contact Fish In My Hair.
    Her sons' tushies are bare.

  2. Put the poem on your blog, and leave me a comment here letting me know where to find your entry.
  3. I will announce two winners - Young Adult (under 18), and Adult - on Monday, Aug. 20.
  4. Winners will be given an award button to post on their blog.

That's it! Have fun, and remember, you're not truly a bad poet until it can be said of you the same that J.K. Stephens said of William Wordsworth: "An old half-witted sheep."

Friday, August 17, 2007

What's going on in Chocolatetown, USA?

Maybe there's a new CEO in town, just arrived from Tennessee. Maybe the local StuffMart had a big sale on white, sequined jumpsuits. Maybe listening to the Musak version of "Love Me Tender" playing in the elevators has finally caused insanity. Maybe there's just something horribly toxic, like pompadour hair gel, in the local water supply.

But whatever the reason, bad things are happening in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I give you Exhibit A.

And why do I have this dreadful feeling that it's only a matter of time before someone gets the bright idea to fry this culinary corruption between two slices of white bread, calls it a Hunk O' Burnin' Love sandwich, and sells it for $6.95 (served with the vanilla-flavored All Shook Up milkshake for only $5 more)?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Can I get some hot sauce with my standardized test?

The Texas public education system cannot seem to adopt a statewide test for more than 5 years. School districts statewide have used the tests (TABS, TEAMS, TAAS, and now TAKS).

Therefore, San Antonio school districts have adopted a test that better fits the public education in their city. The new instrument will be the Texas Assessment of Cognitive Operations (TACO). It will have a remedial version (Soft TACO), a regular version (Hard TACO), and an advanced version with many more pages (the Gordita.) It will be graded on the standard bell curve (the TACO Bell).

Districts receiving the lowest scores will be put on probation with a Basic Educational Appraisal-Not Satisfactory (BEANS). A second low rating will earn the dreaded supplemental Remediation Factor for Individualized Education Deficits (REFRIED BEANS). This rating will cause a lot of hot air at campus faculty meetings.