Friday, December 7, 2007

Part II of my Ode To Cracker Barrel

The Cracker Barrel store is unique in that it represents all that is good, right, and holy about mid-America. I mean, you've got to love a place where you can buy
  • 101 Meals From Pork Rinds cookbook
  • A clock that chimes, on the hour, the mating calls of twelve different varieties of dung beetles
  • A complete John Deere-themed infant layette
  • A Christmas ornament in the shape of a miniature bale of hay, that plays the "Green Acres" theme song.
I don't know this for sure, but I bet there aren't any Cracker Barrels within 180 miles of New York City. None of the aforementioned products would sell there. The Cracker Barrel marketers would have to stock
  • A New Yorker's Guide to The Best Cheese Pizzas for Under $30
  • A complete "Impeach Bush" themed infant layette
  • A Christmas ornament in the shape of a taxi, that plays a half-dozen Iranian curses
Well, I'm pretty sure that won't ever happen.

Anyway. There I was, thinking about buying a dairy barn scented candle, when I spied the shelf of beauty products. There were a number of items that you see everywhere - Burt's Bees under-eye cream, milk-based hand cream, avocado facial scrub. (You put all that stuff on at once, you're gonna smell like a Easter brunch buffet table. Don't say I didn't warn you.) 

But what caught my eye was a little pot labeled, "Body Truffles: Double Chocolate Raspberry Lip Butter." The "butter" part piqued my interest. I've seen lip stick, lip gloss, lip shine, lip creme, and lip exfoliant, but never lip butter. I've also never seen a lip product truthfully called "lip petroleum by-product with red dye #42 and chemicals out the wazoo," but that's beside the point. 

So the butter part was interesting, but I really bought it because of the chocolate. Everyone who knows me knows I never met a chocolate I wouldn't chase down a dark alley. It's a good thing they don't make cigarettes in chocolate flavors, because I'd have a five-pack-a-day habit.

OH. MY. This stuff is wonderful. It's light as air, smells heavenly, and even tastes good. (No, I didn't eat my lip butter like I eat my peanut butter, with a spoon. I used a spatula.)

And here's the real shocker. Body Truffles are made in Canada. That distressed me a little, at first. What in the world is Cracker Barrel, the purveyor of all things mid-western America, doing selling foreign goods?

But then it dawned on me. Canadians are just as redneck as we Americans (except for maybe the folks in Montreal). Think about it. These are the people who invented ice hockey. Hockey players love to fight and don't have all their teeth. If that isn't representative of all that is good, right, and holy about mid-America, I don't know what is.


Chris said...

amen to what you said about the yaawhos up in canada! lol i've always said if we could get avril down here we could just sink canada...yep

Hoosier Mama said...

I hope this isn't somehow related to duck butter...though if it tastes like chocolate, who really cares, right?

Anonymous said...

We used to have a Cracker Barrel in town, but it closed and it was replaced by a restaurant that is even MORE country/hick/farm-themed (if that's even possible???)
It's called The Machine Shed, and the servers have to wear THE most unflattering denim overalls I have ever seen!
My kids love it though, because they actually give hay rides outside of the restaurant.
(Oh, and they still have a store with all kinds of 'farm' merchandise.) Being in WI - they also have cheesehead stuff, too.
It's a really 'classy' place! ;-)

I thought of you this son informed me that he wants to play hockey....
I said sure...the AIR hockey table is setup in the basement!
(He wasn't amused.)

Christmas Blessings,
Michelle W. (foxvalleyfamily)

Ell said...

Hey, I'm Canadian, and darn proud of it. Chris...Sink Canada? How condescending is that? There are American that don't even know where we are, or that we do not live in igloos. What is it about Americans, that it's open season on any other country, when there are m-a-n-y negative issues in America that bear talking about. How would you feel if I suggested taking out half of the States because there is not much worth saving? Take the log out of your own eye first. A little more respect for us wouldn't hurt. Signed, Not a yaawho.

Hoosier Mama said...


If you said about America what Chris said about your beloved Canada, I would probably take it as the joke that it was intended to be.

After all, this is a humor blog, so jokes from both the author and the readers should not come as a complete shock.

But I guess if I lived in an igloo, I might not have much of a sense of humor either.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Yes, sorry that comment was a joke. I have friends in Canada, I respect them as a good democracy and have visited there. Sorry for offending anyone.

TC said...

Hi Ell,

I'm SO glad you visited my blog! I got to visit Ontario a couple of years ago and fell in love with the countryside and the rustic hockey rinks in every small town.

I know Chris personally, and he would never intentionally hurt the feelings of anyone, Canadian or otherwise. If you visit his blog, you'll see he's all about everyone living together in peace.

Do come back. Next time I'm going to blog about something common to women all over the globe - husbands who just can't leave well enough alone.

Beth said...

I can vouch for that New York stuff, alright. And, I have seen infant wear in "Impeach Bush" mode, although they don't believe selling things in "sets" here, that would probably be considered a bargain and that just doesn't happen here. I'm a mid-west girl, myself, and LOVE Cracker Barrel. In fact, I got engaged there, but don't tell anyone, my husband is still embarrassed about it to this day!


Kadi Prescott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Diesel said...

I don't get Cracker Barrel. There's nothing special about it, but they're everywhere. I think it's the name. It just sounds like it's going to be good, no matter how many times it isn't.

Anonymous said...

There is a Cracker Barrel in Binghamton, NY -- about 3-4 hours north and west of NYC. I have yet to visit it, but outside of NYC, the rest of NY is about as conservative and middle America as you can get!


Anonymous said...

I was tagged, and put you down as one of the tagees. Don't feel obligated to participate, just doing my small part to drum up votes for you. (You truly are the funniest blog I've ever read, no contest.) Thanks for all the tears on my keyboard and free ab workouts.
ang at

Ottawa Gardener said...

Not that, as a Canadian, I am particularly offended but just thought I would open my arms wide to give you one of our patented apologetic, peace-loving, tolerant hugs (while I hold this knife in my sleeve). No that wasn't a crack against Americans as much as it was a crack against the perceptions of Canadians... ya know as those guys that say 'eh' and apologize alot and wear plaid shirts and...

sorry, must lay off the caffiene this late.

Cracker Barrel sounds like a good time for all.

Anonymous said...

My children think that Cracker Barrel is fine dining. It is not their fault, though...they are half red-neck. (On their father's side, of course.) :o)