Wednesday, November 21, 2007

How is it my eyebrows are white but my mustache is black?

I've kind of resigned myself to the reality that my hair is going gray. But I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that my eyebrows are turning white. I'm slowly fading. My lips have already mostly disappeared. If I put a twist-tie in my hair, I could lay down by the side of the road and passersby would think I was a Glad kitchen trash bag.

Fortunately, I recently happened upon some eyebrow grooming tips in a magazine. Here is what the expert had to say about white eyebrow hairs: "Clip gray hairs close to the skin."

That's IT?! No miracle beauty products, like The Eyebrow Squeegee? No herbal remedies, like bee jelly or blue tea? No race of Elvises populating another planet? Oh, wait. That was a different article in a different magazine.

Well. Obviously, this expert isn't a day over twenty-three, and the only white thing she's ever seen on her face is a Biore' pore-cleansing strip across her pert little nose. If she were older, she'd know that if one has gray eyebrow hairs, one probably also has poor eyesight and shaky hands, which makes clipping an individual hair a near impossibility. I know this because I tried it and ended up whacking off way too many neighboring hairs. My only consolation was knowing that if my eyebrow should catch on fire, the flames wouldn't spread too far, because I had a good fire break right through the middle there.

And then what are you supposed to do when you've got a LOT of white eyebrow hairs? I can't very well go snipping them all off short. Rumors would go around that I had been in an unfortunate accident involving a hedge trimmer and a couple of OralB toothbrushes.

I'm glad the expert didn't suggest using an eyebrow pencil to color over the gray hair. I already have to draw my lips on every day, and that's challenge enough since I have all the artistic ability of a brick. If I have to start adding on other body parts, my kids are going to call me Mrs. Potato Head.

As I see it, there's only one solution. I'm going to add a new class to our homeschool curriculum. It will be called, "The Care & Grooming of Your Elderly Parents: How to assist your mother in her delusion that she's still 39."

8 comments:

Kelley said...

Eyeshadow for the eyebrows...that's what my mother does and she has/had bright carrot red hair.

Chris said...

See. before getting to the end of the post, i thought i'd be healpful and suggjest penciling but...yeah le Mrs. Potato Head thing was a good point lol

yep and you mean rn't 39?? that's what you've always told me :)

lillinda said...

There you go again ! Making me crack a smile. You know that makes those lines around my mouth just a little deeper ! If I keep reading your blog, I'll have laugh CANYONS instead of just laugh lines ! Hey, I guess laugh lines is better than grump lines.
lillinda

Junosmom said...

Well, have you ever seen the old ladies with their eyebrows drawn with pencil in perpetual surprise? I figure they started out like you, lamenting one grey eyebrow hair and pulled it out. Then another until they had no more eyebrows and had to draw them. You'd think in today's world, they'd have little fake stick on eyebrows.

Icicle said...

I REFUSE to take that course. Nope, NO WAY ON THIS EARTH.

PERIOD. End of story. Good night nurse!

maggie said...

Well the fear of god is in me. I started noticing white hairs in my eyebrows and first thought was some brain disorder is causing it. Nope. I am getting old. I am not yet 30 and now have some to the realization, I will be drawing in my brows by age 32.

Candy said...

I stumbled across this today and had to laugh! You are an awesome writer btw.

Since turning 35 I have had increasing white eyebrow hairs growing between them. I always had one thick brow - and yes I am a lady - so to keep from looking like Burt on Sesame Street, I have always plucked between everyday.

Now the grays (no, not the aliens) but the gray hairs (platinum would be better) my PLATINUM hairs are increasing - leaving me to pluck further and further back. Soon I will have these bushy Wooley Bears that start mid-eye. People will wonder what happened between them. I will have to explain this... and I have yet to find a plausible excuse that they will buy.

Can you think of any?

Anonymous said...

My blond hair turned dark and then a few random hairs turned white. My eyebrows are progressing faster than the hair on my head. While having my hair professionally colored one day (after experimenting and turning it lavender, green and blue), I noticed a lady having her eyebrows dyed. It cost $20 to $25 so I went to the pharmacy, bought Moustache for Men in brown, and did my own. They look great. Just make sure to put cream on your skin so it doesn’t turn dark.