Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What, no booger-producing baby dolls?

Well, it's mid-October, which is officially the start of the Christmas Catalog Onslought season. I've already received a Harry & David catalog. If those people were smart, they'd put scratch-n-sniff stickers on every page. Of course, I'd probably end up eating the catalog, and I don't know about you, but wood pulp always goes straight to my cankles.

Anyway. The next catalog I received was a toy catalog. My kids are pretty much past the toy age and are now in the outrageously-expensive-electronic-device age, but I paged through the catalog just to see what's available.

I have to say, when my children were small, they were given traditional, normal gifts. The girls got things like dolls, and the boys received Legos and sports equipment. Granted, the girls play-acted that the dolls were achieving world dominion, and the boys used the sports equipment to launch the little Lego men onto the roof of our neighbor's barn, but still. So I was a little shocked to see what's being marketed to parents today.

For starters, we have "UglyDolls." These toys frighten me because 1) they look like the characters in Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, and 2) they cost $25! I sure wouldn't spend that much money just to give my kid night frights. I can rent "Nightmare on Elm Street" from Blockbuster and get the same effect for a mere $5. And look at the names on these things: "Ugly Worm," and "Big Toe." Yeah, can't you hear your toddler whining, "Daddy, Stevie has an Ugly Worm, and I want an Ugly Worm, too!!" Daddy would probably go outside and bring in an grub worm, and then your kid would need therapy for the rest of his life. We don't really need an UglyDoll anyway. We have Dewey, who bears a remarkable resemblance to "Ox."
Moving from the disturbing to the downright disgusting...

Here we have "Gassy Gus." Who's running the toy companies these days, 12 year old boys? The goal of the game is to stuff Gus full of food without making him belch. I don't see how this game is going to work. My boys wouldn't want to win. For them, the goal of the game should be to get the loudest, longest belch possible out of Gus, and THEN, to mimic the sound themselves, as many times as possible until Mom starts searching the kitchen cupboards for the vodka.

Again, we don't really need Gassy Gus. We've got Rock'n'Roll Daddy, a fat guy who sits in his recliner every night and says, "Pull my finger."

If you're big on educational material for your child, especially books, you can now purchase Walter the Farting Dog. Lovely. And did I mention this book made the New York Times Bestseller list? I think I'll abandon my current book concept and write Petey the Pooping Pigeon, followed by Carla, the Hairball-Hacking Cat.
So here's my advice to those of you who will be shopping for young children this holiday season: Give something tasteful like paper towels or shoelaces.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

You miss the point when it comes to Ugly Dolls. The irony is they are CUTE and not Ugly at all...but they are "different". The general message is that being different is GOOD and being yourself and celebrating the little things that make us who we are IS beautiful. Have you read about the creators at all? The whole point is to give us an alternative to the mass market, corporate JUNK like Barbie and war toys. They are never sold at stores like Wal Mart and have turned down the fast food guys time and time again. Look deeper.

CrossView said...

ROFL!
We saw "Walter" at Wal-Mart last year. And at Barnes & Noble the other day. I'm sorry but I will NOT buy the book or the dog. I'm pretty flexible but I have to draw the line at a flatulence ridden dog. =/

Michelle W. said...

Those toys are horrible (...but I still think your pup is pretty darn cute!) I'd take him any day over "Gassy Gus."

Michelle

TC said...

Anonymous,

I don't know if you're the same "Anonymous" who left a negative comment a couple of days ago, but if you are, why don't you grow a backbone and identify yourself?

I didn't miss the point about the UglyDolls at all. You missed the point that my blog is about humor. If you don't "get" my humor style, fine. But don't be such a wet blanket for everyone else.

TC

Sydney said...

If you want boogers, you'll have to get Gooey Louie, the game where you get to pick a guy's nose! It's truly disgusting.

And apparently Walter sold enough to have a sequel. I saw it once at our local bookstore and couldn't believe it!

Mostly Sunny said...

At our house we could write, from experience about "Jen, the Kitty-poop-eating Pup" and package it with real, I mean realistic, poop. We also could write about "Crooked Jack, the Drunken Cat." Okay, so he's not intoxicated, but seriously, he DOES walk like Capt. Jack Sparrow!

Mostly Sunny said...

Ozzie really DOES look like that one doll. That was really funny! AT our house we could write about "Jen, the Kitty-poop-eating Pup", or "Crooked Jack, the Drunken Cat." Okay, so he's not really intoxicated, but he DOES have a permanent condition that causes him to walk like Capt. Jack Sparrow! And to "Anonymous"... Lighten up!!! It's a humor blog, for Pete's sake!!!

Mostly Sunny said...

Okay, sorry, I rewrote my message and now you have to read it twice. Like you want to do that! Love you, seester!

Chris said...

haha. i can feel the holiday cheer already :D

chris said...

omg....i have tired like three times to comment and now it erased me comment

Tiffany said...

Anyway...I'm not sure what to even say about those toys. They are disturbing to say the least!

Chris said...

lol yeah i can feel the holiday cheer already :D

Kelley said...

I hate to say that I think one of the ugly dolls is pretty cute! I hate it at Christmas because I am really picky about what my child can play with...No Barbie and No Bratz. Who wants their kid playing with something name BRAT? I have never understood that at all. The farting game is wild..I will never have these my house, but I bet little boys like them. Good thing my daughter just wants a sister for Christmas.

Kelley said...

I just typed out a whole comment that didn't post. It basically said I think one of the ugly dolls was cute but who would want the rest of that stuff? It's right up there with dolls called Bratz. I have never understood that name or the dolls. Who wants their little girl acting like a brat. No Bratz or Barbie in my house. (Maybe World Domination Barbie, but I haven't seen that one on the shelves yet)

Anonymous said...

Ditto on the catalog onslaught!
I got one yesterday with "sleep pants" made out of soy and bamboo fibers (with durable cotton and stretchy spandex)." We're making clothes out of food? What next? "Don't wear brand X because you'll gain weight if you wear them too long?"
--ML

CerealKiller said...

Hmmm... I think I'll steer clear of those. :P

Tiffany said...

Okay one of my comments just got wiped out too!

Hope Grace said...

Dewey is so cute! Don't you just love dogs that are so ugly, they are cute? We have a Shih Tzu and Bichon Frise. The Bichon is so ugly because we have to trim her hair really short...too many knots in that soft, soft hair!

I saw on your profile that you like the movie "Primer!" Isn't that a cool movie? I'm amazed at how good that guy is at making movies! On a budget of $7000. Maybe Hollywood could learn something from him!

C said...

hi. just leaving a comment here in case you don't get notification i left a comment on hsb. i updated my blog on us and plan to add lots of posts, prayer requests and pictures real soon. so pop by if you can

marie

homeschoolblogger.com/pumpkinsmomma

Keeley said...

Hahaha, Dewey is fantastic! =D That is the most wrinkled pug I've ever seen.

And my 12 year old just loves Walter the Farting Dog, which is why we don't have the book in the house. He reads it when we go to the shop, but he can't bring it home. =D

Amanda said...

With 2 almost 3 boys and 2 pugs we have enough bodily functions in our house without having to buy a book about Walter. :)

Hugs,
Amanda

Rhen (yestheyareallmine) said...

I am not a Bratz person either. I really don't want my girls playing with dolls that look like hookers. We like the more classic toys like rocks, a big wooden spoon, an old oatmeal box and charcoal. LOLOL

JenIG said...

we're going to give what we always give... toilet bowl brushes, mops, maybe a new dust pan and a shovel for the barn work.

Diane D. said...

Hey, I think you should consider submitting something to this:

http://www.triciagoyer.blogspot.com/