Sunday, July 29, 2007

You want random? I'll give you random.

I'm doing this tag because it was assigned to me by my friend, Pajamamama. She has three beautiful children, adores her Savior, and has about 10 times more vigor than the average mom. If you stop by her blog to greet her, you can try what I do: put your hands on the computer monitor and hope that some of her energy molecules will transfer to you via osmosis.

Anyway, about this tag thingy. There are some rules which I'm supposed to post, but I don't feel like it. (What's anyone going to do, take away my tag rights?) I'm also supposed to tag other people, but I don't feel like doing that either. (Go ahead, call the tag police. I double-dog dare you.) So basically, I'm just going to do the tag, which is to list 8 random things about myself.

  1. I am really bad at thinking up random things to write about myself.

  2. I have the world's best mother-in-law.

  3. I own and use three different Bible translations: NKJV, NASB, and ESV. And when I just wrote that, I mistakenly typed NJV, NASA, and ESC, which I guess would be the New Jersey Version, the version for astronauts, and the version for computer geeks, respectively.

  4. My restless leg syndrome has been very severe lately. It's a good thing I don't type with my feet, or everything WOULD loOK LiKe THIs! !

  5. I like to eat my french fries like the Dutch do it - with mayonnaise.

  6. I've always wanted a yellow rain slicker, but won't buy one because I'm afraid it would make me look like Big Bird.

  7. I believe every American over the age of 15 should read Fast Food Nation.

  8. Last week I brought home a stray dog that looked like a mix of Corgi and terrier, but it turned out to be a pureblood Spawn of Satan. _________________________________________________________________

Thank you to all the bloggers who have awarded me the "Blogger Reflection Award." Unfortunately, I can't agree to abide by the rules set down by the creator of the award, and so do not have the button on my site, but do know that I appreciate your kind words and am glad you find joy here at Fish In My Hair. Every time I make an idiot of myself, I think fondly of you all.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Some thoughts on the nature of the universe

~ Woody Allen: "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
~ Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
~ Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
~ Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
~ John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
~ Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
~ Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
~ Kilgore Trout (Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.): "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
~ William J. Broad "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
~ Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
~ Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
~ Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Call now to get your husband enrolled.




Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


So what class for men - or women - would you add to that list? Leave me the details in a comment and someone will win a nifty prize. And I'm sorry it won't be levitating dishes.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

To my children: I've figured out your plan, you Communists.

My kids are getting exceptionally devious.

They had a couple of homeschooled friends over yesterday. The boys set up their electronic instruments in Husband's shop and made like Wayne's World for a couple of hours. I guess that didn't satisfy their need for extremely defeaning noise, because then they set off fireworks for a while. I'm sure it caused our neighbor's cows to hemorrhage from the ears, and shook their ovaries so badly, they won't reproduce for three years.

Anyway. Our guests stayed overnight, and this morning, I am proud to say, I got up early and made them chocolate chip pancakes. I even managed to remember which kids were the visitors and which ones were the regular residents, and I didn't do anything embarrassing like drink coffee straight from the pot.

Later in the afternoon, we arranged for our guests to stay over again tonight. FashionBug then asked me, "Mom, are you going to fix a fancy breakfast again tomorrow, or should we just have cereal?" It was right then that the light bulb went on over my head.

My children learned the signs of impending company long ago. You know how it goes. Mom is busy vacuuming, removing seven dirty socks from the magazine rack, and wondering why turning the ceiling fan on "high" doesn't cause the 2 inches of dust to just blow off it. The kids see this activity and say, "Who's coming over, Mom?"

But now my kids have figured out that Having Visitors = Good Eatin'. They know that my pride won't allow me to send a couple of homeschooled kids back to their mothers with the report that I fed them Sugar Frosted Cocoa Bombs and Orange Flavored Fructo-Drinko ("Now with REAL ORANGES pictured on the label!"). So when a couple of weeks have gone by and my claim that "Really! StuffMart is completely out of grocery goods because that tidal wave over in Micronesia caused a worldwide shortage of modified food starch!" starts to ring false, my children throw out an invitation to someone - anyone! - just so they can get a good meal.

The sneaky little miscreants. Next thing I know, one of them is going to threaten to marry someone who's 6'9" tall, just to get me to clean the top of the refrigerator.