Thursday, February 1, 2007

The Application

In my last entry, I mentioned Boy #1 and Boy #2 and their pursuit of Princess BunHead. Well. Yesterday afternoon, it came to my attention that there are Boys #3, 4, and possibly 5, who have more than a passing interest in my daughter. Oh my.

Boy #2 concerns me the most, though. A sixteen year old who is 6’2” and has a goatee is nigh onto being a man. The following application was drafted not a moment too soon.

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APPLICATION FOR ADMISSION TO OUR SUITOR PROGRAM

Complete entire application. Use a separate sheet of paper if necessary. Demonstrations should be submitted on DVD.

PERSONAL INFO

Name: Birthdate:

Height: (Preference will be given to applicants 6’1” and taller)

Employment history:

Career Goals (include your 5- , 10- , and 20- year plans):

Attach notarized statements from any and all previous girlfriends, attesting to your conduct as a gentleman.

ACADEMIC INFO

GPA: SAT score:

Write and illustrate a novel, using a computer that you constructed from a waffle iron, dental floss, and a sandwich baggie.

Prove, mathematically, Mac > PC. Show your work.

Create life from a twist tie and a mini-marshmallow.

Find a cure for cancer.

FINE ARTS INFO

List ten ways you would deal with a diva.

Direct an IMAX film on the life cycle of the koala.

Compose a Grammy-nominated song, and perform it on an acoustic guitar that you crafted from a tree in your backyard.

SPIRITUAL INFO

Enclose a letter of recommendation from a pastor with an M. Div. Degree from an accredited seminary.

Transcribe the book of Romans into Portuguese.

Write a 5000-word dissertation on the Doctrines of Grace. Reference material should include, but is not limited to, the Bible, Calvin’s Institutes, the Westminster Confession of Faith, and Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.

EXTRA-CURRICULAR INFO

List clubs, organizations, or teams of which you have been a member.

Write a 3-page essay on “Why Gary Betteman Should Be Removed as NHL Commissioner.”

Accurately predict the winner and score of the 2007 Super Bowl.

List all players’ names of the team that won the 1999 Stanley Cup.

Enclose a photo of yourself, with your medal, on the Olympic winner’s podium.

(Note: preference will be given to any applicants who are personal friends of, are related to, or are, in fact, Sidney Crosby.)

LIFE SKILLS INFO

Demonstrate your ability to do all of the following:

Rebuild the engine of a 1950 Chevy pickup. In the dark.

Change a dirty diaper, without gagging.

Score tickets to every game of the World Series.

Change a roll of toilet paper.

Cook a 5-course meal. (Preference will be given to applicants who do NOT use corn dogs, tater tots, or instant pudding.)

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There. That ought keep those boys busy for the next ten years.

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