Thursday, January 4, 2007

Our new holiday

2007 didn't start out very well for our family. I'll spare you the details, but will just say the mood at our house has been lower than a worm's belly.

So. I decided to declare a 4-day holiday. January 4-7 is now officially "Out With The Old, In With The New" weekend. Time to cut unhealthy ties that bind us, time to celebrate freedom and new beginnings. Here's a rundown of the festivities:

  1. The Shining of the Choppers! Compete dental care, including some cosmetic dentistry. Nothing says "party" like an hour in the hygenist's chair!
  2. Change Your Hair, Change Your Life! Cuts, styles, chemicals out the wazoo. I'm rethinking my stand on pink.
  3. The Great Purge! Yes, it looks like my closet vomited its contents into the back of my van, en route to Goodwill. I'm pretty sure tunics with shoulder pads the size of box turtles aren't going to make a comeback in my lifetime, and even if they do, I'm not participating in that fashion disaster again. I don't need four-foot wide shoulders to enhance my NFL linebacker-sized figure.
  4. Burn, Baby, Burn! My personal favorite, this is the disposal of documents, photos, financial records - any paper item that is no longer needed or wanted. Watching something turn to ash just provides a visceral satisfaction that no shredder can match. We're feeding the woodstove with such fury that the temperature in the house has reached 92 degrees and the dogs are panting.
  5. Beef Liver Bonanza Buffet!  The rest of the family gags just reading the word "liver" on the packages in the freezer. But since I, the only liver eater in the family, am on a 30-day fast, it's time to treat the local coyote community to a beef liver feast. Side of fried onions not included.
  6. Survivor: Bathroom! This is a lively party game in which the game master holds up a piece of terry cloth, and two teams get to decide if it's a towel or a rag. Rags get voted out of the bathroom, and the team with the most towels at the end of the game wins great prizes like a bar of soap or their very own bottle of toilet bowl cleanser.

Caveat: This has not yet been declared a national holiday, but if the United States Postal Service gets wind of it, they'll probably want Friday off. My husband says every Monday is already a holiday for the post office.


"Let us lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us." Heb. 12: 1.

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