Thursday, January 25, 2007

Maybe we could use the magazines to patch up the jeans.

Our house resembles the periodical room at the library. We subscribe to so many magazines, we're probably responsible for the employment of every paper mill worker in Wisconsin. (No need to thank us - just send cheese.)

Husband subscribes to anything with the words "wood" or "airplane" in the title, and has every issue dating back to 1962. The man never throws anything away. I think he has socks that belonged to his great-grandfather, some tools from the Stone Age, and his tonsils in a jar.

Sasquatch receives USA Hockey, which is full of helpful articles like, "How to Take Care of the Teeth You Have Left," and "10 Ways to Irritate the Officials While You're in the Sin Bin."

Fashion Bug gets an interesting magazine called Lucky, which is all about - get this - shopping. Who knew we needed a monthly guide to shopping? I must be living in the dark ages, because I figured people still shopped the old-fashioned way - by hanging out at the mall on Saturdays, eating an MSG-kabob from the Chinese place in the food court and wondering why teenage boys can't find jeans that keep their Fruit of the Looms covered up.

I took a look at the latest issue of Lucky, just so I could be up-to-date on what's happening in the world of fashion, and here is what I found.

You probably remember the clothing trend from a year or two ago, when girls were wearing what appeared to be t-shirts that they stole from their two year old sisters. I hated that look. I did not need to see the midriffs of every girl in town, nor those of their middle-aged, stretch-marked mothers. A couple of those women actually caused me to suffer from hysterical blindness.

Well, I'm happy to report that trend is over, only to be replaced by one that's not much better. The new look is long, skinny, knit tops, designed to look good on anyone who's the same circumference as a cucumber. The only women who will pull off this style are Hollywood starlets, who are thin to the point of being transparent. I'm pretty sure that a couple of them should, according to federal weight restrictions, be riding in a car seat.

The other hip trend is "distressed" jeans. I really need someone to explain to me why I should pay upwards of $50 for jeans that look like they've been through the digestive system of a nanny goat. It makes no sense to me. It's like buying a frozen turkey with one leg already gnawed off, or a new car that's been worked over by a steroidal baseball player and his cork-filled bat.

Well, I will have to think about that tomorrow. Right now, I am going to peruse the latest issue of my favorite magazine, Excessively Bad Housekeeping. There's an article in there titled, "Putting Dust Mites to Work for You," which I'm just itching to read.

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