Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Why You Should Buy Stock in Fruit of the Loom

After my last entry, with the mention of my bi-weekly run to StuffMart for milk and underwear, JenIg commented that she can't understand how my boys go through underwear faster than her dog produces yet another litter of ugly puppies.

Well, Jen, here's how it happens.

I start off with buying my boys enough underwear for each day of the week. By the end of the week,

  • 2 pairs have been lost to what might be described as "wedgie wear & tear." Please, if anyone from Quality Assurance at Hanes is reading this, I'm begging you to start reinforcing your boys' underwear in certain, ah, stress areas. I know many moms would line up around the block to be able to buy underwear that was labeled as "Wedgie Tested!"

  • 1 pair has been modified to fit the dog. When one is making basketball shorts, a fireman suit, or a Taco Bell uniform for the dog, one simply must cut a hole in the seat for the tail.

  • 2 pair are added to the compost heap in the boys' room. I don't know what kind of nuclear material is percolating in there now; all I know is that boxer shorts are the key ingredient, with socks added frequently for enzymatic action.

  • The remaining pairs are "lost." That's it, just "lost." This is one of the biggest mysteries of life, in my opinion. How do you "lose" your underwear? I mean, it's not like losing other clothing items. Take, for instance, a hat. With a hat, a guy might say, "Oh, gee, I think I left my hat hanging on the back of my chair at the restaurant." Now, if we replace the word "hat" with the word "underwear," it reads, "Oh, gee, I think I left my underwear hanging on the back of my chair at the restaurant." SAY WHAT? Or sunglasses. "Rats. I took off my sunglasses [underwear] when we went in Home Depot and I bet I left them in the plumbing department." How do you LOSE your underwear?!

And here's the final conundrum in the Great Underwear Disappearance Mystery: How can my boys lose their underwear, yet own eight year old t-shirts that should have disintegrated seven years ago from sweat, dog drool, and general boy-stink?

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