Thursday, December 7, 2006

All that store needs is a trapeze artist.

I've come to the conclusion that the night shift at StuffMart is home to all those folks who were too weird for employment with the circus side show. Here are some of the guys whom I see on my regular midnight forays into StuffMart for the bi-weekly purchase of milk & underwear:

  • The little old man who greets me at the door with a nod and a smile. Actually, he seems pretty normal. But the other night I realized that there are usually only 3 other shoppers in the store around midnight, mostly because everyone in town goes home once Junior's Beer Barn and Video-rama closes at 11:00 pm. I did the math and Mr. Greeter is making about $20 per nod and/or smile. You know, I used to tell my sixteen year old son that if he didn't get better grades, he was going to end up as a greeter at StuffMart. Now that's looking like a decent career option.

  • George and Hoss, the fat, 40-ish, ponytailed guys who stock the dairy aisle to the accompaniment of their blaring boom box. George and Hoss remind me of those two guys on "Myth Busters," and I think George and Hoss might be testing out a few myths of their own, like whether or not milk will curdle when exposed to loud doses of classic rock. George and Hoss are always very friendly and helpful to me, though, shouting over the music, "DO YA NEED ANY HEP?" It dawned on me tonight that George and Hoss work in the farthest corner of the store from the pharmaceuticals. I wonder if the management at StuffMart planned it that way?

  • Jaysen. Creative spelling got its start in this community, I'm convinced. No one here can spell a name normally. If Jaysen had been named Jason, he'd probably be working at a law firm in Houston by now, instead of spending his nights among the pudding mixes. Anyway. Jaysen is visually the most interesting StuffMart employee. He has enlarged his ear lobes, with the use of large rings, to the size of a dinner plate. This intrigues me, because I wonder 1) if he's going to move up to hula hoop sized rings next, and 2) if he once knew a girl who said, "Gee, I'd like to date a guy with ear lobes you could toss a Frisbee through." Call me old-fashioned, but it would creep me out if I cuddled up next to my guy and then felt his ear lobe slip down over my head and around my neck.

Yep, StuffMart at midnight is better than the Big Top, and without all the elephant poop. But if George and Hoss offer you a bottle of drinkable yogurt, DON'T TAKE IT.

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