Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My hair affair

Well, I finally got to see my oncologist. By the way, "my" and "oncologist" are two words that should never be used in the same sentence, and I hope you never do.

Anyway. The good news is that I'm not going to lose my hair, and I'm very happy about this, because, after many years of hating my hair, I like it now.

I know God is not one specific gender, but I figure He must be more male than female, or else He would understand how important it is to create females with great hair. In my case, I think He made me with some lousy DNA in other areas, and tried to make it up to me by giving me plenty of hair. As in, enough for three people. Which would be nice if it were shiny, silky hair, instead of something resembling that jumble of wires behind my computer.

See, for most of my life, my hair has looked like an experiment, gone terribly wrong, conducted by the joint efforts of the International Society of Shrubbery; the Dixie School of Whoa, That's Big Hair; and labradoodle breeders. I've tried perms, short hair, long hair, layered hair, highlighted hair, and colored hair. I've been Bashful Blonde, Ash blonde (both dark AND light), SunIn blonde, SunOut blonde, SolarEclipse blonde. I've been mahagony, chesnut, auburn, and a shade close to Barney the Dinosaur (which simply made my head look like a mutant burning bush, I might add). My hair's been gelled, pomaded, and moussed; I've used shampoos with protein, keratin, henna, and blue whale placenta. All to no avail, other than helping my hair stylist buy a new car every other year.

But finally - finally - last winter, science came to my rescue. Hair scientists (what's their title, Doctor of Follicles?) created a silicone substance that can be applied to hair to make it straight and silky, rather like a reverse perm. I spent a bundle of money, but finally have hair that looks good even when I roll out of bed in the morning. No more days of my hair looking like a cherry bomb went off in Dolly Parton's wig. I LIKE my hair. So I'm very happy that I get to keep it.

Now if some Doctor of Follicles would just invent a way to keep leg hair from growing. That I would be VERY happy to get rid of.

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