Saturday, September 2, 2006

My underwear (mis)adventure

Way back in May, when I received the invitation to my high school class reunion, two questions came to mind immediately: 1) What would I wear, and 2) I wonder if I can get dental veneers cheap on ebay?

I decided to tackle Question #1 first. Without too much difficulty, I located a nice Little Black Dress that covered all my sagging and wrinkled parts without making me look like a elephant that got tangled up in the Big Top, a cute pair of black sling-back shoes, and a funky necklace. There was just one small - or not so small - problem: the body that had to go INTO the outfit.

Ah, but not to worry, I reasoned. I'd just get one of those foundation garments that squeezes all the fat cells closer together and I'll look two sizes smaller. So I happily finished my shopping trip with a 4000-calorie milk shake and went home, with my mind busily Photoshopping 30 pounds off my frame.

As the reunion loomed closer, it was time to find that undergarment that was going to turn me into Angelina Jolie's clone. I headed for the Lycra/Spandex section of the store, and quickly found exactly what I needed - a pair of MegaPowerNetPanties, complete with strategically places Uplift Panels and (this is what cinched the deal, so to speak) No-Roll Waist Nipper Band. Eureka!! For only $25.99, and without breaking a sweat, I was going to have a waist.

The night of the reunion arrived. I squeezed into my MegaPanties, pulling the waist band up as high as it would go without squishing the excess fat out under my armpits. I slipped on my Little Black Dress, and, if I do say so myself, I looked great. But the night was young, and, as I was soon to discover, MegaPanties work their magic only when you are standing still in a department store dressing room.

See, what they don't tell you is that the No-Roll Band clings best to a waist with, well, no rolls. What's up with THAT? Like a woman with no rolls even NEEDS MegaPanties with a No-Roll Waist Nipper Band?!

Anyway. Halfway through the evening, when the DJ played Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl," I could no longer resist the pull of the dance floor, and out I went to join the rest of my former flower-children classmates. Strange things were happening around my middle, but I ignored them, thinking that in the dimmed lights of the hotel ballroom, no one was going to notice my slipping, shifting MegaPanties. But then disaster struck.

The DJ put on "American Pie" (which, I still believe, was written by Don McClean after he smoked something very strange), and my classmates & I formed a large circle on the dance floor, singing along and swaying with our arms around each other's waists. I don't remember who was standing on either side of me, but I'm pretty sure they were wondering what was happening under the middle of my dress. You see, by that time, my No-Roll Waist Nipper Band had rolled, and rolled BIG. I had about a 3 inch diameter wad of rolled-up Spandex and rubber encircling me, and above and below it were the 4-inch rolls of squished natural fat. The Uplift Panels had uplifted so much they were giving me a wedgie. I'd gone from being Angelina Jolie to a steroidal StaPuf Marshmallow Man with a tractor tire around my waist.

Thankfully, my classmates were much too kind (or, in some cases, too, er, liquified) to mention my rapidly changing torso. As far as I can tell, no one has posted pictures of my panty problem on the internet, so maybe they really didn't notice. In my heart of hearts, I'm hoping I wasn't the only one there wearing a pair of drifting MegaPanties. Maybe we can band together and file a class action suit, claiming "humiliation, mental distress, and excessive fat bulging."

On a completely unrelated note, my MegaPanties will not be accompanying me into the operating room on Tuesday, when I have what we hope is the complete removal of all cancerous cells. Hopefully I won't be gone long. I still have to tell the story of my encounter with scary warning signs along Pennsylvania roads.

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