Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Consider me "de-puffed."

So I won a Blogs of Beauty award in the humor category, thanks to all of you voters who get a laugh out of giant uteruses (uteri?) and devious possums. Naturally, my first response was shock, with my second response being what we Texans call, "getting the Big head." I figured fame and fortune were mine at last! And both were going to start right here in my little town!

Of course, God has His ways of tenderly humbling the proud. Or, in my case, heaving a bucket of the ice cold water of reality in my face. Here's how He did it.

I had some errands to do around town, so I got my puffed-up self in the car and headed for stop #1, Starbucks. Now, if ever a famous writer or musician is going to be recognized, it's at Starbucks, right? Because all those Starbucks employees are young, hip, educated baristas - except in rural, smallville Texas. In my town, "hip" might be defined as having all your teeth, wearing deodorant, and owning a wardrobe that consists of something beyond overalls. Anyway, I blithely sashayed in the door, fully expecting that my newfound notoriety was going to garner me a free Humongo Super-dee-duper Quadruple Caffeinated Frappelatte (with sprinkles) and possibly even an eight thousand calorie brownie.

Employee: Good morning! What can I get for you?

Me, shining bright as the sun: Oh, let me think... [waiting for the "Hey, don't I know you?" comment to come any second....]

Employee: Okay, take your time.

Me, shining a little less brightly after a minute or two: Um, do you have any specials? [hint, hint]

Employee: Not today!

Me, now definitely downgraded to dull: Okay. Just gimme a small mocha latte. [Hold on, maybe he's going to offer me a free home cappaccino machine! Ooo boy, I can't wait!]

Employee: That'll be $5.25.

Me, grasping at the proverbial straw: Does that come with a complimentary mug?

Employee, looking confused: Uh, only the cardboard one it's in...

Whatever. You sure don't get much for $5.25 these days. Anyway, I figured that by the time I reached my next stop at the video rental store, my fame would have preceeded me.

As I browsed the shelves, I saw the clerk glancing at me furtively. I knew it!! Someone in Hollywood had read my blog and things were in the works for a major motion picture. Hmm, I wonder who would play me? Joan Cusak would look good in elbow-length gloves. I took my DVD selection to the counter.

Clerk: Oh, you'll like this movie. It's very humorous.

Me: Oh, really?!

Clerk: Joan Cusak's in it; she's hilarious.

Me: Oh, really?!

Clerk: Don't I know you?

Me, beaming: Maybe.

Clerk: I know!! You're that lady that drove her van into a sofa! I passed you the day that happened.

Me, dryly: Yep, that would be me.

My last stop was at the farm supply store. I knew better than to expect any recognition there. And if I came right out and mentioned my award-winning blog, the guys would probably be quick to recommend a good plunger. "Here ya go, lady, this'll fix ya right up. No more problems with this here model, Blog-Be-Gone."

Okay, okay. Truth is, God's the one who gets all the glory for anything funny I write here anyway. Through my junior high and high school years, I had a poster on my bedroom wall that pretty much summed up my outlook then. It was a picture of Lucy Van Pelt, of Peanuts fame, scowling and saying, "Smile and the world smiles with you. Crab and you break the monotony." I crabbed - a LOT. Just ask my mom. But God, in His infinite mercy and goodness and love, took me through a series of significant events that helped me to see the joy of daily life.

So, God - this blog's for you. Thanks for life and laughter and silliness and humility and even possums. Especially dead possums.

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