Thursday, March 23, 2006

Why didn't anyone tell me?

My eyebrow hairs are turning gray. This is so disturbing to me, on so many levels, that I had to eat an entire party-size bag of M&Ms. Now I'm 5 pounds fatter and have gray eyebrows, which I'm pretty sure is not The Look for Spring 2006.


But that's not my point. My point - and I do have one - is that no one warned me that this was going to happen. In fact, no one warned me about any of the other freakish things my body would do on the road to antiquity.


Here's what I think. We need the kind of books that are written for ten year old girls. You know those books: Almost Twelve, The Care & Keeping of You: A Body Book for Girls, Facing the Facts, and many more. Somebody needs to write those kinds of books for women. They need to have the same bright, cheerful, Vanna White tone, so you feel good about sagging body parts and thickening toenails. Here are some ideas for books.


Facing the Ugly Facts About Your 40's. "Sometime after you turn 40, you will probably notice that you can't read a book unless it's propped on the TV stand across the room. This means that you need reading glasses! The good news is that reading glasses frames are now stylish, colorful, and fun. Take a friend to help you shop for glasses. She can't see any better than you can, but maybe she'll buy you lunch."


Almost Fifty. "You may notice that your hair is thinning. This is normal. In fact, the hair doesn't actually leave. In men, the hair moves to their ears, and in women, the hair moves to their chin. Aren't our bodies amazing?!"


The Care & Keeping of Elderly You: A Body Book for Dismayed Women. "Women who still foolishly try to wear jeans at this age often notice that their waistline, which thickened ten years ago, is now completely gone. This is actually quite helpful when taking your measurements. Because everything between your chin and mid-thigh is now basically a shapeless blob, you can just wrap a measuring tape around yourself at any point and write down the number. This single number is your bust, waist, and hip measurement."


Your Exciting Eighties. "If you're reading this book, congratulations on living to be older than dirt! This is an exciting time in your life, when every thing, every day, is new again, because you've forgotten what happened yesterday! In fact, tomorrow you'll probably forget that you've read this book! And no longer are you a slave to fashion. Feel free to wear that pink polyester jacket embroidered with purple chickens. And don't forget to accessorize with the enormous, green purse that's shaped like a hibiscus and the matching earrings!"


In any case, every book should contain the warning, "DO NOT tell your children about any odd physical changes you notice. They are just waiting for a chance to take away your car keys."

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