Friday, March 17, 2006

That's the ticket

So I just got word that I've got a big high school class reunion to attend this summer. Reunions always bring to the forefront the questions

1 - How much weight can I lose by then?

2 - What will I wear?

3 - What can I do about this cow bell of a double chin?

4 - Do I have enough time to a) write a bestseller; b) climb Mt. Everest; or c) genetically alter one of my kids into genius status?

The thing is, when you go to one of these events, you want to impress the people who knew you back when you were an eighteen year old dork. It's bad enough going to a reunion and being a loser, but it's even worse to go and be mundane. Uninteresting. B-O-R-I-N-G. In my case, I had nowhere to go but up after high school, where I was about as interesting as low-fat cottage cheese. In college, I blossomed and figured out who I really was. Of course, now that I have teenagers, I have resumed, in their eyes, cottage cheese status. Except for when we're in a store, when I'm suddenly cottage cheese with money. But I digress.

I've actually thought about making up an interesting life story for myself, but then I remember the words of Numbers 32:23: "Be sure your sin will find you out." I can just imagine how the conversation would go.

Classmate #1: What have you been up to?

Me: I'm the editor of the newspaper in Fargo, North Dakota.

Classmate #1: Really? I live there and don't recall ever seeing your name.


Classmate #2: So are you working?

Me: Yes, I've got a high-risk obstetrics practice in El Paso.

Classmate #2: Oh, so you probably know my cousin, Dr. Dewgood?

Me: Er, yes... brilliant doctor. Saved a woman and her unborn child just this week.

Classmate #2, frowning: He's the doctor at the men's correctional facility.


Classmate #3: What have you done since graduation?

Me: Well, I invented the internet.

Classmate #3: I thought Al Gore did that.

Me: Oh, er.... did I say "internet?" I meant Whiskerjet. I invented the Whiskerjet, that new razor with eleven blades.

Classmate #4, who looks like he fought with a mountain lion: So you're the person I'll be suing!


No, I guess I'd better just stick to the truth. I'm just a mom who homeschools her four children, drives a minivan, and sews for a hobby.

....On a llama farm! In Peru! With Apolo Anton Ohno!

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