Friday, March 10, 2006

Okay, people. Listen up, because I don't want to have to say this again.

TC's Rules of the Road

1. The far left lane on a highway is called the passing lane, because when you're in it, you're supposed to be passing the vehicles on your right. If they are passing you, and especially if they are passing you and their drivers are gesturing rudely while they go by, that means you should get out of the left lane. NOW. Please note that the left lane is not called the Sightseeing Lane, nor is it the 35mph Lane. Also note that it is not the Personal Hygiene Lane. Shaving, eyebrow plucking, and tooth flossing should be done at home, not in the driver's seat of your car. Note, too, that it is not the Multitasking Lane. You want to eat your Coronary Bypass Burger, email on your Blackberry, and read the New York Times while hurtling along at 80 mph? Go to Six Flags and do it on the roller coaster. The roads are already full of drivers who apparently can't think and run their windshield wipers at the same time; we don't need you multitaskers to intimidate them and make things worse.

2. There's a little rod that sticks out of the left side of your steering column. It's called the Turning Indicator. You use it to let other drivers know your intention of turning right or left, or of changing lanes. I know - crazy, isn't it?! What will those car designers think of next?! Oh, and you're supposed to signal your turn about, oh, 30 yards before you actually turn. Putting on the turn signal when you've slowed to 5 mph and your front wheels have already made a ninety-degree pivot is like announcing to your husband, "Um, I might be pregnant," when the baby's head is crowning. It's a little late. And if you use the turn signal to change lanes, it's a really good idea to turn it off after you've made the lane change, rather than 142 miles down the road.

3. If the car in front of me is going 28 mph, your driving three inches away from my rear bumper isn't going to make me go any faster. Nope, flashing your headlights won't help, either.

4. Turn down the bass. If you're trying to look cool for the girls, here's a tip: I've never heard a young woman say, "Ooo, I want to date a guy whose car stereo can make me deaf."

5. Get off the phone and DRIVE.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

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